“And will you consent to dispense with a great many conventional forms and phrases,without thinking that the omission arises from insolence?”
“I am sure, sir, I should never mistake informality for insolence: one I rather like,the other nothing free-born would submit to, even for a salary.”
“Humbug!Most things free-born will submit to anything for a salary; therefore, keep to yourself,and don’t venture on generalities of which you are intensely ignorant. However,I mentally shake hands with you for your answer, despite its inaccuracy;and as much for the manner in which it was said, as for the substance of the speech;the manner was frank and sincere; one does not often see such a manner: no, on the contrary,affectation, or coldness, or stupid, coarse-minded misapprehension of one’s meaning are the usual rewards of candour.Not three in three thousand raw school-girl-governesses would have answered me as you have just done.But I don’t mean to flatter you: if you are cast in a different mould to the majority,it is no merit of yours: Nature did it. And then, after all, I go too fast in my conclusions:for what I yet know, you may be no better than the rest;you may have intolerable defects to counterbalance your few good points.”
“And so may you,” I thought. My eye met his as the idea crossed my mind:he seemed to read the glance, answering as if its import had been spoken as well as imagined—
“Yes, yes, you are right,” said he; “I have plenty of faults of my own: I know it,and I don’t wish to palliate them, I assure you. God wot I need not be too severe about others;I have a past existence, a series of deeds, a colour of life to contemplate within my own breast,which might well call my sneers and censures from my neighbours to myself. I started,or rather (for like other defaulters, I like to lay half the blame on ill fortune and adverse circumstances) was thrust on to a wrong tack at the age of one-and-twenty, and have never recovered the right course since: but I might have been very different; I might have been as good as you—wiser—almost as stainless. I envy you your peace of mind, your clean conscience, your unpolluted memory. Little girl, a memory without blot or contamination must be an exquisite treasure—an inexhaustible source of pure refreshment: is it not?”
“How was your memory when you were eighteen, sir?”
“All right then; limpid, salubrious: no gush of bilge water had turned it to fetid puddle.I was your equal at eighteen—quite your equal. Nature meant me to be, on the whole, a good man,Miss Eyre; one of the better kind, and you see I am not so. You would say you don’t see it;at least I flatter myself I read as much in your eye (beware, by-the-bye,what you express with that organ; I am quick at interpreting its language).Then take my word for it,—I am not a villain:you are not to suppose that—not to attribute to me any such bad eminence; but, owing,I verily believe, rather to circumstances than to my natural bent, I am a trite commonplace sinner,hackneyed in all the poor petty dissipations with which the rich and worthless try to put on life. Do you wonder that I avow this to you?Know, that in the course of your future life you will often find yourself elected the involuntary confidant of your acquaintances’ secrets:people will instinctively find out, as I have done, that it is not your forte to tell of yourself,but to listen while others talk of themselves; they will feel, too,that you listen with no malevolent scorn of their indiscretion, but with a kind of innate sympathy;not the less comforting and encouraging because it is very unobtrusive in its manifestations.”
“How do you know?—how can you guess all this, sir?”
“I know it well; therefore I proceed almost as freely as if I were writing my thoughts in a diary.You would say, I should have been superior to circumstances; so I should—so I should;but you see I was not. When fate wronged me, I had not the wisdom to remain cool:I turned desperate; then I degenerated. Now,when any vicious simpleton excites my disgust by his paltry ribaldry,I cannot flatter myself that I am better than he:I am forced to confess that he and I are on a level. I wish I had stood firm—God knows I do!Dread remorse when you are tempted to err, Miss Eyre; remorse is the poison of life.”
“Repentance is said to be its cure, sir.”
“It is not its cure. Reformation may be its cure;and I could reform—I have strength yet for that—if—but where is the use of thinking of it, hampered, burdened, cursed as I am?Besides, since happiness is irrevocably denied me, I have a right to get pleasure out of life: and I _will_ get it, cost what it may.”
“Then you will degenerate still more, sir.”
“Possibly: yet why should I, if I can get sweet, fresh pleasure?And I may get it as sweet and fresh as the wild honey the bee gathers on the moor.”
“It will sting—it will taste bitter, sir.”
“How do you know?—you never tried it. How very serious—how very solemn you look:and you are as ignorant of the matter as this cameo head” (taking one from the mantelpiece).“You have no right to preach to me, you neophyte, that have not passed the porch of life,and are absolutely unacquainted with its mysteries.”
“I only remind you of your own words, sir: you said error brought remorse,and you pronounced remorse the poison of existence.”
“And who talks of error now?I scarcely think the notion that flittered across my brain was an error.I believe it was an inspiration rather than a temptation: it was very genial,very soothing—I know that. Here it comes again!It is no devil, I assure you; or if it be, it has put on the robes of an angel of light.I think I must admit so fair a guest when it asks entrance to my heart.”
“Distrust it, sir; it is not a true angel.”
“Once more, how do you know?By what instinct do you pretend to distinguish between a fallen seraph of the abyss and a messenger from the eternal throne—between a guide and a seducer?”
“I judged by your countenance, sir, which was troubled when you said the suggestion had returned upon you.I feel sure it will work you more misery if you listen to it.”
“Not at all—it bears the most gracious message in the world: for the rest,you are not my conscience-keeper, so don’t make yourself uneasy. Here, come in, bonny wanderer!”
He said this as if he spoke to a vision, viewless to any eye but his own; then, folding his arms,which he had half extended, on his chest,he seemed to enclose in their embrace the invisible being.
“Now,” he continued, again addressing me, “I have received the pilgrim—a disguised deity,as I verily believe. Already it has done me good: my heart was a sort of charnel; it will now be a shrine.”
“To speak truth, sir, I don’t understand you at all: I cannot keep up the conversation,because it has got out of my depth. Only one thing, I know:you said you were not as good as you should like to be,and that you regretted your own imperfection;—one thing I can comprehend:you intimated that to have a sullied memory was a perpetual bane. It seems to me,that if you tried hard, you would in time find it possible to become what you yourself would approve;and that if from this day you began with resolution to correct your thoughts and actions,you would in a few years have laid up a new and stainless store of recollections,to which you might revert with pleasure.”
“Justly thought; rightly said, Miss Eyre; and, at this moment, I am paving hell with energy.”
“Sir?”
“I am laying down good intentions, which I believe durable as flint. Certainly,my associates and pursuits shall be other than they have been.”
“And better?”
“And better—so much better as pure ore is than foul dross. You seem to doubt me;I don’t doubt myself: I know what my aim is, what my motives are; and at this moment I pass a law,unalterable as that of the Medes and Persians, that both are right.”
“They cannot be, sir, if they require a new statute to legalise them.”
“They are, Miss Eyre, though they absolutely require a new statute:unheard-of combinations of circumstances demand unheard-of rules.”
“That sounds a dangerous maxim, sir; because one can see at once that it is liable to abuse.”
“Sententious sage!so it is: but I swear by my household gods not to abuse it.”
“You are human and fallible.”
“I am: so are you—what then?”
“The human and fallible should not arrogate a power with which the divine and perfect alone can be safely intrusted. ”
“What power?”
“That of saying of any strange, unsanctioned line of action,—‘Let it be right.’”
“‘Let it be right’—the very words: you have pronounced them.”
“_May_ it be right then,” I said, as I rose,deeming it useless to continue a discourse which was all darkness to me; and, besides,sensible that the character of my interlocutor was beyond my penetration; at least,beyond its present reach; and feeling the uncertainty, the vague sense of insecurity,which accompanies a conviction of ignorance.
“Where are you going?”
“To put Adèle to bed: it is past her bedtime.”
“You are afraid of me, because I talk like a Sphynx.”
“Your language is enigmatical, sir: but though I am bewildered, I am certainly not afraid.”
“You _are_ afraid—your self-love dreads a blunder.”
“In that sense I do feel apprehensive—I have no wish to talk nonsense.”
“If you did, it would be in such a grave, quiet manner, I should mistake it for sense. Do you never laugh, Miss Eyre?Don’t trouble yourself to answer—I see you laugh rarely; but you can laugh very merrily: believe me,you are not naturally austere, any more than I am naturally vicious.The Lowood constraint still clings to you somewhat; controlling your features, muffling your voice,and restricting your limbs; and you fear in the presence of a man and a brother—or father,or master, or what you will—to smile too gaily, speak too freely, or move too quickly: but,in time, I think you will learn to be natural with me,as I find it impossible to be conventional with you;and then your looks and movements will have more vivacity and variety than they dare offer now.I see at intervals the glance of a curious sort of bird through the close-set bars of a cage:a vivid, restless, resolute captive is there; were it but free, it would soar cloud-high. You are still bent on going?”
“It has struck nine, sir.”
“Never mind,—wait a minute: Adèle is not ready to go to bed yet. My position, Miss Eyre,with my back to the fire, and my face to the room, favours observation. While talking to you,I have also occasionally watched Adèle (I have my own reasons for thinking her a curious study,—reasons that I may, nay, that I shall, impart to you some day). She pulled out of her box,about ten minutes ago, a little pink silk frock; rapture lit her face as she unfolded it;coquetry runs in her blood, blends with her brains, and seasons the marrow of her bones. ‘Il faut que je l’essaie!’ cried she, ‘et à l’instant même!’ and she rushed out of the room. She is now with Sophie, undergoing a robing process:in a few minutes she will re-enter; and I know what I shall see,—a miniature of Céline Varens,as she used to appear on the boards at the rising of—But never mind that. However,my tenderest feelings are about to receive a shock: such is my presentiment; stay now, to see whether it will be realised.”
Ere long, Adèle’s little foot was heard tripping across the hall. She entered,transformed as her guardian had predicted. A dress of rose-coloured satin, very short,and as full in the skirt as it could be gathered, replaced the brown frock she had previously worn;a wreath of rosebuds circled her forehead;her feet were dressed in silk stockings and small white satin sandals.
“Est-ce que ma robe va bien?” cried she, bounding forwards; “et mes souliers?et mes bas?Tenez, je crois que je vais danser!”
And spreading out her dress, she chasséed across the room till, having reached Mr. Rochester,she wheeled lightly round before him on tip-toe, then dropped on one knee at his feet, exclaiming—
“Monsieur, je vous remercie mille fois de votre bonté;” then rising, she added,“C’est comme cela que maman faisait, n’est-ce pas, monsieur?”
“Pre-cise-ly!” was the answer; “and, ‘comme cela,’ she charmed my English gold out of my British breeches’ pocket.I have been green, too, Miss Eyre,—ay, grass green:not a more vernal tint freshens you now than once freshened me. My Spring is gone, however,but it has left me that French floweret on my hands, which, in some moods, I would fain be rid of.Not valuing now the root whence it sprang;having found that it was of a sort which nothing but gold dust could manure,I have but half a liking to the blossom, especially when it looks so artificial as just now.I keep it and rear it rather on the Roman Catholic principle of expiating numerous sins,great or small, by one good work. I’ll explain all this some day. Good-night.”
CHAPTER XV
Mr. Rochester did, on a future occasion, explain it. It was one afternoon,when he chanced to meet me and Adèle in the grounds:and while she played with Pilot and her shuttlecock,he asked me to walk up and down a long beech avenue within sight of her.
He then said that she was the daughter of a French opera-dancer, Céline Varens,towards whom he had once cherished what he called a “_grande passion_.” This passion Céline had professed to return with even superior ardour.He thought himself her idol, ugly as he was: he believed, as he said,that she preferred his “_taille d’athlète_” to the elegance of the Apollo Belvidere.
“And, Miss Eyre, so much was I flattered by this preference of the Gallic sylph for her British gnome,that I installed her in an hotel; gave her a complete establishment of servants, a carriage,cashmeres, diamonds, dentelles, &c. In short,I began the process of ruining myself in the received style, like any other spoony. I had not,it seems, the originality to chalk out a new road to shame and destruction,but trode the old track with stupid exactness not to deviate an inch from the beaten centre.I had—as I deserved to have—the fate of all other spoonies.Happening to call one evening when Céline did not expect me, I found her out;but it was a warm night, and I was tired with strolling through Paris,so I sat down in her boudoir; happy to breathe the air consecrated so lately by her presence. No,—I exaggerate; I never thought there was any consecrating virtue about her:it was rather a sort of pastille perfume she had left; a scent of musk and amber,than an odour of sanctity. I was just beginning to stifle with the fumes of conservatory flowers and sprinkled essences,when I bethought myself to open the window and step out on to the balcony.It was moonlight and gaslight besides, and very still and serene.The balcony was furnished with a chair or two; I sat down, and took out a cigar,—I will take one now, if you will excuse me.”
Here ensued a pause, filled up by the producing and lighting of a cigar;having placed it to his lips and breathed a trail of Havannah incense on the freezing and sunless air, he went on—
“I liked bonbons too in those days, Miss Eyre,and I was _croquant_—(overlook the barbarism)—_croquant_ chocolate comfits,and smoking alternately, watching meantime the equipages that rolled along the fashionable streets towards the neighbouring opera-house,when in an elegant close carriage drawn by a beautiful pair of English horses,and distinctly seen in the brilliant city-night, I recognised the ‘voiture’ I had given Céline.She was returning: of course my heart thumped with impatience against the iron rails I leant upon.The carriage stopped, as I had expected, at the hotel door;my flame (that is the very word for an opera inamorata) alighted:though muffed in a cloak—an unnecessary encumbrance, by-the-bye,on so warm a June evening—I knew her instantly by her little foot,seen peeping from the skirt of her dress, as she skipped from the carriage-step.Bending over the balcony, I was about to murmur ‘Mon ange’—in a tone, of course,which should be audible to the ear of love alone—when a figure jumped from the carriage after her;cloaked also; but that was a spurred heel which had rung on the pavement,and that was a hatted head which now passed under the arched _porte cochère_ of the hotel.
“You never felt jealousy, did you, Miss Eyre?Of course not: I need not ask you; because you never felt love.You have both sentiments yet to experience: your soul sleeps;the shock is yet to be given which shall waken it.You think all existence lapses in as quiet a flow as that in which your youth has hitherto slid away.Floating on with closed eyes and muffled ears,you neither see the rocks bristling not far off in the bed of the flood,nor hear the breakers boil at their base.But I tell you—and you may mark my words—you will come some day to a craggy pass in the channel,where the whole of life’s stream will be broken up into whirl and tumult, foam and noise:either you will be dashed to atoms on crag points,or lifted up and borne on by some master-wave into a calmer current—as I am now.
“I like this day; I like that sky of steel;I like the sternness and stillness of the world under this frost. I like Thornfield, its antiquity,its retirement, its old crow-trees and thorn-trees, its grey façade,and lines of dark windows reflecting that metal welkin:and yet how long have I abhorred the very thought of it, shunned it like a great plague-house?How I do still abhor—”
He ground his teeth and was silent: he arrested his step and struck his boot against the hard ground.Some hated thought seemed to have him in its grip,and to hold him so tightly that he could not advance.
We were ascending the avenue when he thus paused; the hall was before us.Lifting his eye to its battlements, he cast over them a glare such as I never saw before or since.Pain, shame, ire, impatience, disgust, detestation,seemed momentarily to hold a quivering conflict in the large pupil dilating under his ebon eyebrow.Wild was the wrestle which should be paramount; but another feeling rose and triumphed:something hard and cynical: self-willed and resolute:it settled his passion and petrified his countenance: he went on—
“During the moment I was silent, Miss Eyre, I was arranging a point with my destiny.She stood there, by that beech-trunk—a hag like one of those who appeared to Macbeth on the heath of Forres. ‘You like Thornfield?’ she said, lifting her finger; and then she wrote in the air a memento,which ran in lurid hieroglyphics all along the house-front,between the upper and lower row of windows, ‘Like it if you can!Like it if you dare!’
“‘I will like it,’ said I; ‘I dare like it;’ and” (he subjoined moodily) “I will keep my word;I will break obstacles to happiness, to goodness—yes, goodness.I wish to be a better man than I have been, than I am; as Job’s leviathan broke the spear,the dart, and the habergeon, hindrances which others count as iron and brass,I will esteem but straw and rotten wood.”
Adèle here ran before him with her shuttlecock. “Away!” he cried harshly; “keep at a distance, child; or go in to Sophie!” Continuing then to pursue his walk in silence,I ventured to recall him to the point whence he had abruptly diverged—
“Did you leave the balcony, sir,” I asked, “when Mdlle. Varens entered?”
I almost expected a rebuff for this hardly well-timed question, but, on the contrary,waking out of his scowling abstraction, he turned his eyes towards me,and the shade seemed to clear off his brow. “Oh, I had forgotten Céline!Well, to resume. When I saw my charmer thus come in accompanied by a cavalier,I seemed to hear a hiss, and the green snake of jealousy,rising on undulating coils from the moonlit balcony, glided within my waistcoat,and ate its way in two minutes to my heart’s core. Strange!” he exclaimed, suddenly starting again from the point.“Strange that I should choose you for the confidant of all this, young lady;passing strange that you should listen to me quietly,as if it were the most usual thing in the world for a man like me to tell stories of his opera-mistresses to a quaint, inexperienced girl like you!But the last singularity explains the first, as I intimated once before: you, with your gravity,considerateness, and caution were made to be the recipient of secrets. Besides,I know what sort of a mind I have placed in communication with my own:I know it is one not liable to take infection: it is a peculiar mind: it is a unique one.Happily I do not mean to harm it: but, if I did, it would not take harm from me.The more you and I converse, the better; for while I cannot blight you, you may refresh me. ” After this digression he proceeded—
“I remained in the balcony. ‘They will come to her boudoir, no doubt,’ thought I:‘let me prepare an ambush.’ So putting my hand in through the open window,I drew the curtain over it, leaving only an opening through which I could take observations;then I closed the casement, all but a chink just wide enough to furnish an outlet to lovers’ whispered vows:then I stole back to my chair; and as I resumed it the pair came in.My eye was quickly at the aperture. Céline’s chamber-maid entered, lit a lamp,left it on the table, and withdrew. The couple were thus revealed to me clearly:both removed their cloaks, and there was ‘the Varens,’ shining in satin and jewels,—my gifts of course,—and there was her companion in an officer’s uniform;and I knew him for a young roué of a vicomte—a brainless and vicious youth whom I had sometimes met in society,and had never thought of hating because I despised him so absolutely. On recognising him,the fang of the snake Jealousy was instantly broken;because at the same moment my love for Céline sank under an extinguisher.A woman who could betray me for such a rival was not worth contending for; she deserved only scorn;less, however, than I, who had been her dupe.
“They began to talk; their conversation eased me completely: frivolous, mercenary, heartless,and senseless, it was rather calculated to weary than enrage a listener.A card of mine lay on the table; this being perceived, brought my name under discussion.Neither of them possessed energy or wit to belabour me soundly,but they insulted me as coarsely as they could in their little way: especially Céline,who even waxed rather brilliant on my personal defects—deformities she termed them.Now it had been her custom to launch out into fervent admiration of what she called my ‘_beauté mâle_:’ wherein she differed diametrically from you, who told me point-blank, at the second interview,that you did not think me handsome. The contrast struck me at the time and—”
Adèle here came running up again.
“Monsieur, John has just been to say that your agent has called and wishes to see you.”
“Ah!in that case I must abridge. Opening the window, I walked in upon them;liberated Céline from my protection; gave her notice to vacate her hotel;offered her a purse for immediate exigencies; disregarded screams, hysterics, prayers,protestations, convulsions; made an appointment with the vicomte for a meeting at the Bois de Boulogne.Next morning I had the pleasure of encountering him;left a bullet in one of his poor etiolated arms, feeble as the wing of a chicken in the pip,and then thought I had done with the whole crew. But unluckily the Varens, six months before,had given me this filette Adèle, who, she affirmed, was my daughter; and perhaps she may be,though I see no proofs of such grim paternity written in her countenance:Pilot is more like me than she. Some years after I had broken with the mother,she abandoned her child, and ran away to Italy with a musician or singer.I acknowledged no natural claim on Adèle’s part to be supported by me,nor do I now acknowledge any, for I am not her father; but hearing that she was quite destitute,I e’en took the poor thing out of the slime and mud of Paris, and transplanted it here,to grow up clean in the wholesome soil of an English country garden. Mrs.Fairfax found you to train it; but now you know that it is the illegitimate offspring of a French opera-girl,you will perhaps think differently of your post and protégée:you will be coming to me some day with notice that you have found another place—that you beg me to look out for a new governess, &c.—Eh?”
“No: Adèle is not answerable for either her mother’s faults or yours: I have a regard for her;and now that I know she is, in a sense, parentless—forsaken by her mother and disowned by you,sir—I shall cling closer to her than before.How could I possibly prefer the spoilt pet of a wealthy family,who would hate her governess as a nuisance, to a lonely little orphan, who leans towards her as a friend?”
“Oh, that is the light in which you view it!Well, I must go in now; and you too: it darkens.”
But I stayed out a few minutes longer with Adèle and Pilot—ran a race with her,and played a game of battledore and shuttlecock. When we went in,and I had removed her bonnet and coat, I took her on my knee; kept her there an hour,allowing her to prattle as she liked: not rebuking even some little freedoms and trivialities into which she was apt to stray when much noticed,and which betrayed in her a superficiality of character, inherited probably from her mother,hardly congenial to an English mind. Still she had her merits;and I was disposed to appreciate all that was good in her to the utmost.I sought in her countenance and features a likeness to Mr. Rochester, but found none: no trait,no turn of expression announced relationship. It was a pity:if she could but have been proved to resemble him, he would have thought more of her.
It was not till after I had withdrawn to my own chamber for the night,that I steadily reviewed the tale Mr. Rochester had told me. As he had said,there was probably nothing at all extraordinary in the substance of the narrative itself:a wealthy Englishman’s passion for a French dancer, and her treachery to him,were every-day matters enough, no doubt, in society;but there was something decidedly strange in the paroxysm of emotion which had suddenly seized him when he was in the act of expressing the present contentment of his mood, and his newly revived pleasure in the old hall and its environs. I meditated wonderingly on this incident; but gradually quitting it, as I found it for the present inexplicable, I turned to the consideration of my master’s manner to myself. The confidence he had thought fit to repose in me seemed a tribute to my discretion: I regarded and accepted it as such. His deportment had now for some weeks been more uniform towards me than at the first. I never seemed in his way; he did not take fits of chilling hauteur: when he met me unexpectedly, the encounter seemed welcome; he had always a word and sometimes a smile for me: when summoned by formal invitation to his presence, I was honoured by a cordiality of reception that made me feel I really possessed the power to amuse him, and that these evening conferences were sought as much for his pleasure as for my benefit.
I, indeed, talked comparatively little, but I heard him talk with relish.It was his nature to be communicative; he liked to open to a mind unacquainted with the world glimpses of its scenes and ways (I do not mean its corrupt scenes and wicked ways, but such as derived their interest from the great scale on which they were acted, the strange novelty by which they were characterised); and I had a keen delight in receiving the new ideas he offered, in imagining the new pictures he portrayed, and following him in thought through the new regions he disclosed, never startled or troubled by one noxious allusion.
The ease of his manner freed me from painful restraint: the friendly frankness,as correct as cordial, with which he treated me, drew me to him.I felt at times as if he were my relation rather than my master:yet he was imperious sometimes still; but I did not mind that; I saw it was his way. So happy,so gratified did I become with this new interest added to life,that I ceased to pine after kindred: my thin crescent-destiny seemed to enlarge;the blanks of existence were filled up; my bodily health improved; I gathered flesh and strength.
And was Mr. Rochester now ugly in my eyes?No, reader: gratitude, and many associations, all pleasurable and genial,made his face the object I best liked to see;his presence in a room was more cheering than the brightest fire.Yet I had not forgotten his faults; indeed, I could not, for he brought them frequently before me.He was proud, sardonic, harsh to inferiority of every description:in my secret soul I knew that his great kindness to me was balanced by unjust severity to many others.He was moody, too; unaccountably so; I more than once, when sent for to read to him,found him sitting in his library alone, with his head bent on his folded arms; and,when he looked up, a morose, almost a malignant, scowl blackened his features.But I believed that his moodiness, his harshness,and his former faults of morality (I say _former_,for now he seemed corrected of them) had their source in some cruel cross of fate.I believed he was naturally a man of better tendencies, higher principles,and purer tastes than such as circumstances had developed, education instilled,or destiny encouraged. I thought there were excellent materials in him;though for the present they hung together somewhat spoiled and tangled.I cannot deny that I grieved for his grief, whatever that was,and would have given much to assuage it.
Though I had now extinguished my candle and was laid down in bed,I could not sleep for thinking of his look when he paused in the avenue,and told how his destiny had risen up before him, and dared him to be happy at Thornfield.