I shook my head, unable to guess.
‘Because,’ said my aunt, ‘it’s all I have.Because I’m ruined, my dear!’
If the house, and every one of us,had tumbled out into the river together,I could hardly have received a greater shock.
‘Dick knows it,’ said my aunt,laying her hand calmly on my shoulder. ‘I am ruined, my dear Trot!All I have in the world is in this room,except the cottage; and that I have left Janet to let.Barkis, I want to get a bed for this gentleman tonight.To save expense, perhaps you can make up something here for myself.Anything will do. It’s only for tonight.We’ll talk about this, more, tomorrow.’
I was roused from my amazement,and concern for her--I am sure,for her--by her falling on my neck, for a moment,and crying that she only grieved for me.In another moment she suppressed this emotion;and said with an aspect more triumphant than dejected:
‘We must meet reverses boldly,and not suffer them to frighten us, my dear.We must learn to act the play out.We must live misfortune down, Trot!’
CHAPTER 35. DEPRESSION
As soon as I could recover my presence of mind,which quite deserted me in the first overpowering shock of my aunt’s intelligence, I proposed to Mr. Dick to come round to the chandler’s shop, and take possession of the bed which Mr. Peggotty had lately vacated. The chandler’s shop being in Hungerford Market, and Hungerford Market being a very different place in those days, there was a low wooden colonnade before the door (not very unlike that before the house where the little man and woman used to live, in the old weather-glass), which pleased Mr. Dick mightily. The glory of lodging over this structure would have compensated him, I dare say, for many inconveniences; but, as there were really few to bear, beyond the compound of flavours I have already mentioned, and perhaps the want of a little more elbow-room, he was perfectly charmed with his accommodation. Mrs. Crupp had indignantly assured him that there wasn’t room to swing a cat there; but, as Mr. Dick justly observed to me, sitting down on the foot of the bed, nursing his leg, ‘You know, Trotwood, I don’t want to swing a cat. I never do swing a cat. Therefore, what does that signify to ME!’
I tried to ascertain whether Mr.Dick had any understanding of the causes of this sudden and great change in my aunt’s affairs. As I might have expected, he had none at all. The only account he could give of it was, that my aunt had said to him, the day before yesterday, ‘Now, Dick, are you really and truly the philosopher I take you for?’ That then he had said, Yes, he hoped so.That then my aunt had said, ‘Dick, I am ruined.’ That then he had said, ‘Oh, indeed!’ That then my aunt had praised him highly,which he was glad of.And that then they had come to me,and had had bottled porter and sandwiches on the road.
Mr. Dick was so very complacent,sitting on the foot of the bed, nursing his leg,and telling me this,with his eyes wide open and a surprised smile,that I am sorry to say I was provoked into explaining to him that ruin meant distress, want, and starvation; but I was soon bitterly reproved for this harshness, by seeing his face turn pale, and tears course down his lengthened cheeks, while he fixed upon me a look of such unutterable woe, that it might have softened a far harder heart than mine. I took infinitely greater pains to cheer him up again than I had taken to depress him; and I soon understood (as I ought to have known at first) that he had been so confident, merely because of his faith in the wisest and most wonderful of women, and his unbounded reliance on my intellectual resources. The latter, I believe, he considered a match for any kind of disaster not absolutely mortal.
‘What can we do, Trotwood?’ said Mr. Dick. ‘There’s the Memorial-’
‘To be sure there is,’ said I.‘But all we can do just now, Mr. Dick,is to keep a cheerful countenance,and not let my aunt see that we are thinking about it.’
He assented to this in the most earnest manner;and implored me, if I should see him wandering an inch out of the right course,to recall him by some of those superior methods which were always at my command. But I regret to state that the fright I had given him proved too much for his best attempts at concealment. All the evening his eyes wandered to my aunt’s face, with an expression of the most dismal apprehension, as if he saw her growing thin on the spot. He was conscious of this, and put a constraint upon his head; but his keeping that immovable, and sitting rolling his eyes like a piece of machinery, did not mend the matter at all. I saw him look at the loaf at supper (which happened to be a small one), as if nothing else stood between us and famine; and when my aunt insisted on his making his customary repast, I detected him in the act of pocketing fragments of his bread and cheese; I have no doubt for the purpose of reviving us with those savings, when we should have reached an advanced stage of attenuation.
My aunt, on the other hand,was in a composed frame of mind,which was a lesson to all of us--to me, I am sure.She was extremely gracious to Peggotty,except when I inadvertently called her by that name;and, strange as I knew she felt in London,appeared quite at home. She was to have my bed,and I was to lie in the sitting-room,to keep guard over her.She made a great point of being so near the river,in case of a conflagration;and I suppose really did find some satisfaction in that circumstance.
‘Trot, my dear,’ said my aunt,when she saw me making preparations for compounding her usual night-draught, ‘No!’
‘Nothing, aunt?’
‘Not wine, my dear. Ale.’
‘But there is wine here, aunt.And you always have it made of wine.’
‘Keep that, in case of sickness,’ said my aunt.‘We mustn’t use it carelessly, Trot. Ale for me. Half a pint.’
I thought Mr. Dick would have fallen, insensible.My aunt being resolute,I went out and got the ale myself.As it was growing late, Peggotty and Mr.Dick took that opportunity of repairing to the chandler’s shop together.I parted from him, poor fellow,at the corner of the street,with his great kite at his back,a very monument of human misery.
My aunt was walking up and down the room when I returned,crimping the borders of her nightcap with her fingers.I warmed the ale and made the toast on the usual infallible principles.When it was ready for her, she was ready for it,with her nightcap on,and the skirt of her gown turned back on her knees.
‘My dear,’ said my aunt, after taking a spoonful of it;‘it’s a great deal better than wine.Not half so bilious.’
I suppose I looked doubtful, for she added:
‘Tut, tut, child. If nothing worse than Ale happens to us, we are well off.’
‘I should think so myself, aunt, I am sure,’ said I.
‘Well, then, why DON’T you think so?’ said my aunt.
‘Because you and I are very different people, ’ I returned.
‘Stuff and nonsense, Trot!’ replied my aunt.
My aunt went on with a quiet enjoyment,in which there was very little affectation, if any;drinking the warm ale with a tea-spoon,and soaking her strips of toast in it.
‘Trot,’ said she, ‘I don’t care for strange faces in general,but I rather like that Barkis of yours, do you know!’
‘It’s better than a hundred pounds to hear you say so!’ said I.
‘It’s a most extraordinary world,’ observed my aunt,rubbing her nose; ‘how that woman ever got into it with that name,is unaccountable to me.It would be much more easy to be born a Jackson,or something of that sort, one would think.’
‘Perhaps she thinks so, too; it’s not her fault, ’ said I.
‘I suppose not,’ returned my aunt,rather grudging the admission;‘but it’s very aggravating. However, she’s Barkis now.That’s some comfort. Barkis is uncommonly fond of you, Trot.’
‘There is nothing she would leave undone to prove it, ’ said I.