‘I said that it was better as it is!’ she whispers, as she holds me in her arms. ‘Oh, Doady,after more years, you never could have loved your child-wife better than you do; and, after more years, she would so have tried and disappointed you, that you might not have been able to love her half so well!I know I was too young and foolish.It is much better as it is!’
Agnes is downstairs, when I go into the parlour;and I give her the message. She disappears,leaving me alone with Jip.
His Chinese house is by the fire; and he lies within it,on his bed of flannel, querulously trying to sleep.The bright moon is high and clear.As I look out on the night, my tears fall fast,and my undisciplined heart is chastened heavily--heavily.
I sit down by the fire,thinking with a blind remorse of all those secret feelings I have nourished since my marriage. I think of every little trifle between me and Dora, and feel the truth, that trifles make the sum of life. Ever rising from the sea of my remembrance, is the image of the dear child as I knew her first, graced by my young love, and by her own, with every fascination wherein such love is rich. Would it, indeed, have been better if we had loved each other as a boy and a girl, and forgotten it?Undisciplined heart, reply!
How the time wears, I know not;until I am recalled by my child-wife’s old companion.More restless than he was, he crawls out of his house,and looks at me, and wanders to the door,and whines to go upstairs.
‘Not tonight, Jip!Not tonight!’
He comes very slowly back to me, licks my hand,and lifts his dim eyes to my face.
‘Oh, Jip!It may be, never again!’
He lies down at my feet,stretches himself out as if to sleep,and with a plaintive cry, is dead.
‘Oh, Agnes!Look, look, here!’ --That face, so full of pity, and of grief,that rain of tears, that awful mute appeal to me,that solemn hand upraised towards Heaven!
‘Agnes?’
It is over. Darkness comes before my eyes; and,for a time, all things are blotted out of my remembrance.
CHAPTER 54. Mr. MICAWBER’S TRANSACTIONS
This is not the time at which I am to enter on the state of my mind beneath its load of sorrow. I came to think that the Future was walled up before me, that the energy and action of my life were at an end, that I never could find any refuge but in the grave. I came to think so, I say, but not in the first shock of my grief. It slowly grew to that. If the events I go on to relate, had not thickened around me, in the beginning to confuse, and in the end to augment, my affliction, it is possible (though I think not probable), that I might have fallen at once into this condition. As it was, an interval occurred before I fully knew my own distress; an interval, in which I even supposed that its sharpest pangs were past; and when my mind could soothe itself by resting on all that was most innocent and beautiful, in the tender story that was closed for ever.
When it was first proposed that I should go abroad,or how it came to be agreed among us that I was to seek the restoration of my peace in change and travel, I do not, even now, distinctly know. The spirit of Agnes so pervaded all we thought, and said, and did, in that time of sorrow, that I assume I may refer the project to her influence. But her influence was so quiet that I know no more.
And now, indeed, I began to think that in my old association of her with the stained-glass window in the church, a prophetic foreshadowing of what she would be to me, in the calamity that was to happen in the fullness of time, had found a way into my mind. In all that sorrow, from the moment, never to be forgotten, when she stood before me with her upraised hand, she was like a sacred presence in my lonely house. When the Angel of Death alighted there, my child-wife fell asleep--they told me so when I could bear to hear it--on her bosom, with a smile. From my swoon, I first awoke to a consciousness of her compassionate tears, her words of hope and peace, her gentle face bending down as from a purer region nearer Heaven, over my undisciplined heart, and softening its pain.
Let me go on.
I was to go abroad. That seemed to have been determined among us from the first.The ground now covering all that could perish of my departed wife,I waited only for what Mr.Micawber called the ‘final pulverization of Heep’;and for the departure of the emigrants.
At the request of Traddles,most affectionate and devoted of friends in my trouble,we returned to Canterbury: I mean my aunt, Agnes,and I. We proceeded by appointment straight to Mr.Micawber’s house; where, and at Mr. Wickfield’s,my friend had been labouring ever since our explosive meeting.When poor Mrs. Micawber saw me come in,in my black clothes, she was sensibly affected.There was a great deal of good in Mrs.Micawber’s heart, which had not been dunned out of it in all those many years.
‘Well, Mr. and Mrs. Micawber,’ was my aunt’s first salutation after we were seated.‘Pray, have you thought about that emigration proposal of mine?’
‘My dear madam,’ returned Mr. Micawber,‘perhaps I cannot better express the conclusion at which Mrs.Micawber, your humble servant,and I may add our children,have jointly and severally arrived,than by borrowing the language of an illustrious poet,to reply that our Boat is on the shore,and our Bark is on the sea.’
‘That’s right,’ said my aunt.‘I augur all sort of good from your sensible decision.’
‘Madam, you do us a great deal of honour,’ he rejoined.He then referred to a memorandum.‘With respect to the pecuniary assistance enabling us to launch our frail canoe on the ocean of enterprise, I have reconsidered that important business-point; and would beg to propose my notes of hand--drawn, it is needless to stipulate, on stamps of the amounts respectively required by the various Acts of Parliament applying to such securities--at eighteen, twenty-four, and thirty months. The proposition I originally submitted, was twelve, eighteen, and twenty-four; but I am apprehensive that such an arrangement might not allow sufficient time for the requisite amount of--Something--to turn up. We might not,’ said Mr. Micawber, looking round the room as if it represented several hundred acres of highly cultivated land, ‘on the first responsibility becoming due, have been successful in our harvest, or we might not have got our harvest in. Labour, I believe, is sometimes difficult to obtain in that portion of our colonial possessions where it will be our lot to combat with the teeming soil.’
‘Arrange it in any way you please, sir,’ said my aunt.
‘Madam,’ he replied, ‘Mrs.Micawber and myself are deeply sensible of the very considerate kindness of our friends and patrons. What I wish is, to be perfectly business-like, and perfectly punctual. Turning over, as we are about to turn over, an entirely new leaf; and falling back, as we are now in the act of falling back, for a Spring of no common magnitude; it is important to my sense of self-respect, besides being an example to my son, that these arrangements should be concluded as between man and man.’
I don’t know that Mr.Micawber attached any meaning to this last phrase;I don’t know that anybody ever does, or did;but he appeared to relish it uncommonly, and repeated,with an impressive cough, ‘as between man and man’.
‘I propose,’ said Mr. Micawber,‘Bills--a convenience to the mercantile world,for which, I believe,we are originally indebted to the Jews,who appear to me to have had a devilish deal too much to do with them ever since--because they are negotiable. But if a Bond, or any other description of security, would be preferred, I should be happy to execute any such instrument. As between man and man.’
My aunt observed, that in a case where both parties were willing to agree to anything, she took it for granted there would be no difficulty in settling this point. Mr. Micawber was of her opinion.