As my eye glanced round this place,I thought I saw sitting, by an open port,with one of the Micawber children near her,a figure like Emily’s; it first attracted my attention,by another figure parting from it with a kiss;and as it glided calmly away through the disorder,reminding me of--Agnes!But in the rapid motion and confusion,and in the unsettlement of my own thoughts,I lost it again; and only knew that the time was come when all visitors were being warned to leave the ship; that my nurse was crying on a chest beside me; and that Mrs. Gummidge, assisted by some younger stooping woman in black, was busily arranging Mr. Peggotty’s goods.
‘Is there any last wured, Mas’r Davy?’ said he. ‘Is there any one forgotten thing afore we parts?’
‘One thing!’ said I. ‘Martha!’
He touched the younger woman I have mentioned on the shoulder,and Martha stood before me.
‘Heaven bless you, you good man!’ cried I. ‘You take her with you!’
She answered for him, with a burst of tears.I could speak no more at that time,but I wrung his hand;and if ever I have loved and honoured any man,I loved and honoured that man in my soul.
The ship was clearing fast of strangers.The greatest trial that I had, remained.I told him what the noble spirit that was gone,had given me in charge to say at parting.It moved him deeply. But when he charged me, in return,with many messages of affection and regret for those deaf ears, he moved me more.
The time was come. I embraced him,took my weeping nurse upon my arm, and hurried away.On deck, I took leave of poor Mrs. Micawber.She was looking distractedly about for her family,even then; and her last words to me were,that she never would desert Mr. Micawber.
We went over the side into our boat,and lay at a little distance,to see the ship wafted on her course. It was then calm,radiant sunset. She lay between us, and the red light;and every taper line and spar was visible against the glow.A sight at once so beautiful, so mournful,and so hopeful, as the glorious ship, lying, still,on the flushed water,with all the life on board her crowded at the bulwarks,and there clustering, for a moment,bare-headed and silent, I never saw.
Silent, only for a moment.As the sails rose to the wind,and the ship began to move,there broke from all the boats three resounding cheers,which those on board took up, and echoed back,and which were echoed and re-echoed.My heart burst out when I heard the sound,and beheld the waving of the hats and handkerchiefs--and then I saw her!
Then I saw her, at her uncle’s side,and trembling on his shoulder.He pointed to us with an eager hand; and she saw us,and waved her last good-bye to me. Aye, Emily,beautiful and drooping,cling to him with the utmost trust of thy bruised heart;for he has clung to thee,with all the might of his great love!
Surrounded by the rosy light,and standing high upon the deck, apart together,she clinging to him, and he holding her,they solemnly passed away.The night had fallen on the Kentish hills when we were rowed ashore--and fallen darkly upon me.
CHAPTER 58. ABSENCE
It was a long and gloomy night that gathered on me,haunted by the ghosts of many hopes,of many dear remembrances, many errors,many unavailing sorrows and regrets.
I went away from England; not knowing, even then,how great the shock was, that I had to bear.I left all who were dear to me, and went away;and believed that I had borne it, and it was past.As a man upon a field of battle will receive a mortal hurt,and scarcely know that he is struck, so I,when I was left alone with my undisciplined heart,had no conception of the wound with which it had to strive.
The knowledge came upon me, not quickly,but little by little, and grain by grain.The desolate feeling with which I went abroad,deepened and widened hourly.At first it was a heavy sense of loss and sorrow,wherein I could distinguish little else.By imperceptible degrees,it became a hopeless consciousness of all that I had lost--love,friendship, interest;of all that had been shattered--my first trust,my first affection, the whole airy castle of my life;of all that remained--a ruined blank and waste,lying wide around me, unbroken, to the dark horizon.
If my grief were selfish, I did not know it to be so.I mourned for my child-wife,taken from her blooming world, so young.I mourned for him who might have won the love and admiration of thousands,as he had won mine long ago.I mourned for the broken heart that had found rest in the stormy sea;and for the wandering remnants of the simple home,where I had heard the night-wind blowing, when I was a child.
From the accumulated sadness into which I fell,I had at length no hope of ever issuing again.I roamed from place to place,carrying my burden with me everywhere.I felt its whole weight now; and I drooped beneath it,and I said in my heart that it could never be lightened.
When this despondency was at its worst,I believed that I should die. Sometimes,I thought that I would like to die at home;and actually turned back on my road,that I might get there soon. At other times,I passed on farther away,--from city to city,seeking I know not what,and trying to leave I know not what behind.
It is not in my power to retrace, one by one,all the weary phases of distress of mind through which I passed.There are some dreams that can only be imperfectly and vaguely described;and when I oblige myself to look back on this time of my life,I seem to be recalling such a dream.I see myself passing on among the novelties of foreign towns,palaces, cathedrals, temples, pictures, castles, tombs,fantastic streets--the old abiding places of History and Fancy--as a dreamer might; bearing my painful load through all, and hardly conscious of the objects as they fade before me. Listlessness to everything, but brooding sorrow, was the night that fell on my undisciplined heart. Let me look up from it--as at last I did, thank Heaven!--and from its long, sad, wretched dream, to dawn.
For many months I travelled with this ever-darkening cloud upon my mind.Some blind reasons that I had for not returning home--reasons then struggling within me, vainly, for more distinct expression--kept me on my pilgrimage. Sometimes, I had proceeded restlessly from place to place, stopping nowhere; sometimes, I had lingered long in one spot. I had had no purpose, no sustaining soul within me, anywhere.
I was in Switzerland. I had come out of Italy,over one of the great passes of the Alps,and had since wandered with a guide among the by-ways of the mountains.If those awful solitudes had spoken to my heart,I did not know it. I had found sublimity and wonder in the dread heights and precipices, in the roaring torrents, and the wastes of ice and snow; but as yet, they had taught me nothing else.
I came, one evening before sunset, down into a valley,where I was to rest. In the course of my descent to it,by the winding track along the mountain-side,from which I saw it shining far below,I think some long-unwonted sense of beauty and tranquillity,some softening influence awakened by its peace,moved faintly in my breast. I remember pausing once,with a kind of sorrow that was not all oppressive,not quite despairing.I remember almost hoping that some better change was possible within me.