I cannot say what an impression this made upon me,or how impossible I found it,when I thought of her afterwards,to separate her from this look,and remember her face in its innocent loveliness again.It haunted me when I got home.I seemed to have left the Doctor’s roof with a dark cloud lowering on it.The reverence that I had for his grey head,was mingled with commiseration for his faith in those who were treacherous to him, and with resentment against those who injured him. The impending shadow of a great affliction, and a great disgrace that had no distinct form in it yet, fell like a stain upon the quiet place where I had worked and played as a boy, and did it a cruel wrong. I had no pleasure in thinking, any more, of the grave old broad-leaved aloe-trees, which remained shut up in themselves a hundred years together, and of the trim smooth grass-plot, and the stone urns, and the Doctor’s walk, and the congenial sound of the Cathedral bell hovering above them all. It was as if the tranquil sanctuary of my boyhood had been sacked before my face, and its peace and honour given to the winds.
But morning brought with it my parting from the old house,which Agnes had filled with her influence;and that occupied my mind sufficiently.I should be there again soon, no doubt;I might sleep again--perhaps often--in my old room;but the days of my inhabiting there were gone,and the old time was past.I was heavier at heart when I packed up such of my books and clothes as still remained there to be sent to Dover, than I cared to show to Uriah Heep; who was so officious to help me, that I uncharitably thought him mighty glad that I was going.
I got away from Agnes and her father, somehow,with an indifferent show of being very manly,and took my seat upon the box of the London coach.I was so softened and forgiving,going through the town,that I had half a mind to nod to my old enemy the butcher,and throw him five shillings to drink.But he looked such a very obdurate butcher as he stood scraping the great block in the shop, and moreover, his appearance was so little improved by the loss of a front tooth which I had knocked out, that I thought it best to make no advances.
The main object on my mind, I remember,when we got fairly on the road,was to appear as old as possible to the coachman,and to speak extremely gruff.The latter point I achieved at great personal inconvenience;but I stuck to it, because I felt it was a grown-up sort of thing.
‘You are going through, sir?’ said the coachman.
‘Yes, William,’ I said, condescendingly (I knew him);‘I am going to London.I shall go down into Suffolk afterwards.’
‘Shooting, sir?’ said the coachman.
He knew as well as I did that it was just as likely,at that time of year, I was going down there whaling;but I felt complimented, too.
‘I don’t know,’ I said, pretending to be undecided,‘whether I shall take a shot or not.’ ‘Birds is got wery shy, I’m told,’ said William.
‘So I understand,’ said I.
‘Is Suffolk your county, sir?’ asked William.
‘Yes,’ I said, with some importance.‘Suffolk’s my county.’
‘I’m told the dumplings is uncommon fine down there, ’ said William.
I was not aware of it myself,but I felt it necessary to uphold the institutions of my county,and to evince a familiarity with them;so I shook my head, as much as to say, ‘I believe you!’
‘And the Punches,’ said William. ‘There’s cattle!A Suffolk Punch, when he’s a good un,is worth his weight in gold.Did you ever breed any Suffolk Punches yourself, sir?’
‘N-no,’ I said, ‘not exactly.’
‘Here’s a gen’lm’n behind me, I’ll pound it,’ said William, ‘as has bred ‘em by wholesale.’
The gentleman spoken of was a gentleman with a very unpromising squint,and a prominent chin,who had a tall white hat on with a narrow flat brim,and whose close-fitting drab trousers seemed to button all the way up outside his legs from his boots to his hips. His chin was cocked over the coachman’s shoulder, so near to me, that his breath quite tickled the back of my head; and as I looked at him, he leered at the leaders with the eye with which he didn’t squint, in a very knowing manner.
‘Ain’t you?’ asked William.
‘Ain’t I what?’ said the gentleman behind.
‘Bred them Suffolk Punches by wholesale?’
‘I should think so,’ said the gentleman.‘There ain’t no sort of orse that I ain’t bred,and no sort of dorg.Orses and dorgs is some men’s fancy.They’re wittles and drink to me--lodging, wife,and children--reading, writing, and Arithmetic--snuff,tobacker, and sleep.’
‘That ain’t a sort of man to see sitting behind a coach-box, is it though?’ said William in my ear, as he handled the reins.
I construed this remark into an indication of a wish that he should have my place, so I blushingly offered to resign it.
‘Well, if you don’t mind, sir,’ said William,‘I think it would be more correct.’
I have always considered this as the first fall I had in life.When I booked my place at the coach office I had had ‘Box Seat’ written against the entry, and had given the book-keeper half-a-crown. I was got up in a special great-coat and shawl, expressly to do honour to that distinguished eminence; had glorified myself upon it a good deal; and had felt that I was a credit to the coach. And here, in the very first stage, I was supplanted by a shabby man with a squint, who had no other merit than smelling like a livery-stables, and being able to walk across me, more like a fly than a human being, while the horses were at a canter!
A distrust of myself,which has often beset me in life on small occasions,when it would have been better away,was assuredly not stopped in its growth by this little incident outside the Canterbury coach. It was in vain to take refuge in gruffness of speech. I spoke from the pit of my stomach for the rest of the journey, but I felt completely extinguished, and dreadfully young.
It was curious and interesting, nevertheless,to be sitting up there behind four horses:well educated, well dressed,and with plenty of money in my pocket;and to look out for the places where I had slept on my weary journey.I had abundant occupation for my thoughts,in every conspicuous landmark on the road.When I looked down at the trampers whom we passed,and saw that well-remembered style of face turned up,I felt as if the tinker’s blackened hand were in the bosom of my shirt again.When we clattered through the narrow street of Chatham,and I caught a glimpse, in passing,of the lane where the old monster lived who had bought my jacket,I stretched my neck eagerly to look for the place where I had sat,in the sun and in the shade, waiting for my money.When we came, at last, within a stage of London,and passed the veritable Salem House where Mr.Creakle had laid about him with a heavy hand,I would have given all I had,for lawful permission to get down and thrash him,and let all the boys out like so many caged sparrows.
We went to the Golden Cross at Charing Cross,then a mouldy sort of establishment in a close neighbourhood.A waiter showed me into the coffee-room;and a chambermaid introduced me to my small bedchamber,which smelt like a hackney-coach,and was shut up like a family vault.I was still painfully conscious of my youth,for nobody stood in any awe of me at all:the chambermaid being utterly indifferent to my opinions on any subject,and the waiter being familiar with me,and offering advice to my inexperience.
‘Well now,’ said the waiter, in a tone of confidence,‘what would you like for dinner?Young gentlemen likes poultry in general: have a fowl!’
I told him, as majestically as I could,that I wasn’t in the humour for a fowl.
‘Ain’t you?’ said the waiter. ‘Young gentlemen is generally tired of beef and mutton: have a weal cutlet!’
I assented to this proposal,in default of being able to suggest anything else.