Mrs. Weston’s communications furnished Emma with more food for unpleasant reflection, by increasing her esteem and compassion, and her sense of past injustice towards Miss Fairfax. She bitterly regretted not having sought a closer acquaintance with her, and blushed for the envious feelings which had certainly been, in some measure, the cause. Had she followed Mr. Knightley’s known wishes, in paying that attention to Miss Fairfax, which was every way her due; had she tried to know her better; had she done her part towards intimacy; had she endeavoured to find a friend there instead of in Harriet Smith; she must, in all probability, have been spared from every pain which pressed on her now.—Birth, abilities, and education, had been equally marking one as an associate for her, to be received with gratitude; and the other—what was she?—Supposing even that they had never become intimate friends;that she had never been admitted into Miss Fairfax’s confidence on this important matter—which was most probable—still, in knowing her as she ought, and as she might, she must have been preserved from the abominable suspicions of an improper attachment to Mr. Dixon, which she had not only so foolishly fashioned and harboured herself, but had so unpardonably imparted; an idea which she greatly feared had been made a subject of material distress to the delicacy of Jane’s feelings, by the levity or carelessness of Frank Churchill’s. Of all the sources of evil surrounding the former, since her coming to Highbury, she was persuaded that she must herself have been the worst. She must have been a perpetual enemy. They never could have been all three together, without her having stabbed Jane Fairfax’s peace in a thousand instances; and on Box Hill, perhaps, it had been the agony of a mind that would bear no more.
The evening of this day was very long, and melancholy,at Hartfield. The weather added what it could of gloom.A cold stormy rain set in,and nothing of July appeared but in the trees and shrubs,which the wind was despoiling,and the length of the day,which only made such cruel sights the longer visible.
The weather affected Mr. Woodhouse,and he could only be kept tolerably comfortable by almost ceaseless attention on his daughter’s side, and by exertions which had never cost her half so much before. It reminded her of their first forlorn tête-à-tête, on the evening of Mrs. Weston’s wedding-day; but Mr. Knightley had walked in then, soon after tea, and dissipated every melancholy fancy. Alas!such delightful proofs of Hartfield’s attraction,as those sort of visits conveyed,might shortly be over.The picture which she had then drawn of the privations of the approaching winter, had proved erroneous; no friends had deserted them, no pleasures had been lost.—But her present forebodings she feared would experience no similar contradiction. The prospect before her now, was threatening to a degree that could not be entirely dispelled—that might not be even partially brightened. If all took place that might take place among the circle of her friends, Hartfield must be comparatively deserted; and she left to cheer her father with the spirits only of ruined happiness.
The child to be born at Randalls must be a tie there even dearer than herself;and Mrs. Weston’s heart and time would be occupied by it.They should lose her; and, probably, in great measure,her husband also.—Frank Churchill would return among them no more;and Miss Fairfax, it was reasonable to suppose,would soon cease to belong to Highbury.They would be married,and settled either at or near Enscombe.All that were good would be withdrawn;and if to these losses,the loss of Donwell were to be added,what would remain of cheerful or of rational society within their reach?Mr. Knightley to be no longer coming there for his evening comfort!—No longer walking in at all hours,as if ever willing to change his own home for their’s!—How was it to be endured?And if he were to be lost to them for Harriet’s sake;if he were to be thought of hereafter,as finding in Harriet’s society all that he wanted;if Harriet were to be the chosen, the first,the dearest, the friend,the wife to whom he looked for all the best blessings of existence;what could be increasing Emma’s wretchedness but the reflection never far distant from her mind, that it had been all her own work?
When it came to such a pitch as this,she was not able to refrain from a start,or a heavy sigh, or even from walking about the room for a few seconds—and the only source whence any thing like consolation or composure could be drawn, was in the resolution of her own better conduct, and the hope that, however inferior in spirit and gaiety might be the following and every future winter of her life to the past, it would yet find her more rational, more acquainted with herself, and leave her less to regret when it were gone.
CHAPTER XIII
The weather continued much the same all the following morning;and the same loneliness, and the same melancholy,seemed to reign at Hartfield—but in the afternoon it cleared;the wind changed into a softer quarter;the clouds were carried off; the sun appeared;it was summer again.With all the eagerness which such a transition gives,Emma resolved to be out of doors as soon as possible.Never had the exquisite sight, smell,sensation of nature, tranquil, warm,and brilliant after a storm,been more attractive to her.She longed for the serenity they might gradually introduce;and on Mr. Perry’s coming in soon after dinner,with a disengaged hour to give her father,she lost no time in hurrying into the shrubbery.—There,with spirits freshened, and thoughts a little relieved,she had taken a few turns, when she saw Mr.Knightley passing through the garden door,and coming towards her.—It was the first intimation of his being returned from London. She had been thinking of him the moment before, as unquestionably sixteen miles distant.—There was time only for the quickest arrangement of mind. She must be collected and calm. In half a minute they were together. The “How d’ye do’s” were quiet and constrained on each side. She asked after their mutual friends; they were all well.—When had he left them?—Only that morning. He must have had a wet ride.—Yes.—He meant to walk with her,she found. “He had just looked into the dining-room,and as he was not wanted there,preferred being out of doors.”—She thought he neither looked nor spoke cheerfully;and the first possible cause for it,suggested by her fears, was,that he had perhaps been communicating his plans to his brother,and was pained by the manner in which they had been received.