“I did,” said Elinor, with a composure of voice,under which was concealed an emotion and distress beyond any thing she had ever felt before. She was mortified, shocked, confounded.
Fortunately for her, they had now reached the cottage,and the conversation could be continued no farther.After sitting with them a few minutes,the Miss Steeles returned to the Park,and Elinor was then at liberty to think and be wretched.
END OF THE FIRST VOLUME
CHAPTER XXIII.
However small Elinor’s general dependence on Lucy’s veracity might be,it was impossible for her on serious reflection to suspect it in the present case, where no temptation could be answerable to the folly of inventing a falsehood of such a description. What Lucy had asserted to be true, therefore, Elinor could not, dared not longer doubt; supported as it was too on every side by such probabilities and proofs, and contradicted by nothing but her own wishes. Their opportunity of acquaintance in the house of Mr. Pratt was a foundation for the rest, at once indisputable and alarming; and Edward’s visit near Plymouth, his melancholy state of mind, his dissatisfaction at his own prospects, his uncertain behaviour towards herself, the intimate knowledge of the Miss Steeles as to Norland and their family connections, which had often surprised her, the picture, the letter, the ring, formed altogether such a body of evidence, as overcame every fear of condemning him unfairly, and established as a fact, which no partiality could set aside, his ill-treatment of herself.—Her resentment of such behaviour, her indignation at having been its dupe, for a short time made her feel only for herself; but other ideas, other considerations, soon arose. Had Edward been intentionally deceiving her?Had he feigned a regard for her which he did not feel?Was his engagement to Lucy an engagement of the heart?No; whatever it might once have been,she could not believe it such at present.His affection was all her own.She could not be deceived in that. Her mother, sisters,Fanny, all had been conscious of his regard for her at Norland;it was not an illusion of her own vanity.He certainly loved her.What a softener of the heart was this persuasion!How much could it not tempt her to forgive!He had been blamable, highly blamable,in remaining at Norland after he first felt her influence over him to be more than it ought to be. In that, he could not be defended; but if he had injured her, how much more had he injured himself; if her case were pitiable, his was hopeless. His imprudence had made her miserable for a while; but it seemed to have deprived himself of all chance of ever being otherwise. She might in time regain tranquillity; but _he_, what had he to look forward to?Could he ever be tolerably happy with Lucy Steele;could he, were his affection for herself out of the question,with his integrity, his delicacy,and well-informed mind,be satisfied with a wife like her—illiterate, artful, and selfish?
The youthful infatuation of nineteen would naturally blind him to every thing but her beauty and good nature; but the four succeeding years—years, which if rationally spent, give such improvement to the understanding, must have opened his eyes to her defects of education, while the same period of time, spent on her side in inferior society and more frivolous pursuits, had perhaps robbed her of that simplicity which might once have given an interesting character to her beauty.
If in the supposition of his seeking to marry herself,his difficulties from his mother had seemed great,how much greater were they now likely to be,when the object of his engagement was undoubtedly inferior in connections,and probably inferior in fortune to herself.These difficulties, indeed,with a heart so alienated from Lucy,might not press very hard upon his patience;but melancholy was the state of the person by whom the expectation of family opposition and unkindness, could be felt as a relief!
As these considerations occurred to her in painful succession,she wept for him, more than for herself.Supported by the conviction of having done nothing to merit her present unhappiness, and consoled by the belief that Edward had done nothing to forfeit her esteem, she thought she could even now, under the first smart of the heavy blow, command herself enough to guard every suspicion of the truth from her mother and sisters. And so well was she able to answer her own expectations, that when she joined them at dinner only two hours after she had first suffered the extinction of all her dearest hopes, no one would have supposed from the appearance of the sisters, that Elinor was mourning in secret over obstacles which must divide her for ever from the object of her love, and that Marianne was internally dwelling on the perfections of a man, of whose whole heart she felt thoroughly possessed, and whom she expected to see in every carriage which drove near their house.
The necessity of concealing from her mother and Marianne,what had been entrusted in confidence to herself,though it obliged her to unceasing exertion,was no aggravation of Elinor’s distress.On the contrary it was a relief to her,to be spared the communication of what would give such affliction to them,and to be saved likewise from hearing that condemnation of Edward,which would probably flow from the excess of their partial affection for herself, and which was more than she felt equal to support.
From their counsel, or their conversation,she knew she could receive no assistance,their tenderness and sorrow must add to her distress,while her self-command would neither receive encouragement from their example nor from their praise. She was stronger alone, and her own good sense so well supported her, that her firmness was as unshaken, her appearance of cheerfulness as invariable, as with regrets so poignant and so fresh, it was possible for them to be.