“I _can_ do what he wants me to do:I am forced to see and acknowledge that,” I meditated,—“that is, if life be spared me.But I feel mine is not the existence to be long protracted under an Indian sun. What then?He does not care for that: when my time came to die,he would resign me, in all serenity and sanctity,to the God who gave me.The case is very plain before me. In leaving England,I should leave a loved but empty land—Mr.Rochester is not there; and if he were, what is,what can that ever be to me?My business is to live without him now:nothing so absurd, so weak as to drag on from day to day,as if I were waiting some impossible change in circumstances,which might reunite me to him. Of course (as St.John once said) I must seek another interest in life to replace the one lost:is not the occupation he now offers me truly the most glorious man can adopt or God assign?Is it not, by its noble cares and sublime results,the one best calculated to fill the void left by uptorn affections and demolished hopes?I believe I must say, Yes—and yet I shudder. Alas!If I join St. John, I abandon half myself:if I go to India, I go to premature death.And how will the interval between leaving England for India,and India for the grave, be filled?Oh, I know well!That, too, is very clear to my vision.By straining to satisfy St. John till my sinews ache,I _shall_ satisfy him—to the finest central point and farthest outward circle of his expectations. If I _do_ go with him—if I _do_ make the sacrifice he urges, I will make it absolutely: I will throw all on the altar—heart, vitals, the entire victim. He will never love me; but he shall approve me; I will show him energies he has not yet seen, resources he has never suspected. Yes, I can work as hard as he can, and with as little grudging.
“Consent, then, to his demand is possible:but for one item—one dreadful item.It is—that he asks me to be his wife,and has no more of a husband’s heart for me than that frowning giant of a rock,down which the stream is foaming in yonder gorge.He prizes me as a soldier would a good weapon;and that is all. Unmarried to him,this would never grieve me;but can I let him complete his calculations—coolly put into practice his plans—go through the wedding ceremony?Can I receive from him the bridal ring,endure all the forms of love (which I doubt not he would scrupulously observe) and know that the spirit was quite absent?Can I bear the consciousness that every endearment he bestows is a sacrifice made on principle?No: such a martyrdom would be monstrous.I will never undergo it. As his sister,I might accompany him—not as his wife:I will tell him so.”
I looked towards the knoll: there he lay,still as a prostrate column; his face turned to me:his eye beaming watchful and keen.He started to his feet and approached me.
“I am ready to go to India, if I may go free.”
“Your answer requires a commentary,” he said; “it is not clear.”
“You have hitherto been my adopted brother—I,your adopted sister: let us continue as such:you and I had better not marry.”
He shook his head. “Adopted fraternity will not do in this case.If you were my real sister it would be different:I should take you, and seek no wife. But as it is,either our union must be consecrated and sealed by marriage,or it cannot exist:practical obstacles oppose themselves to any other plan.Do you not see it, Jane?Consider a moment—your strong sense will guide you.”
I did consider; and still my sense, such as it was,directed me only to the fact that we did not love each other as man and wife should: and therefore it inferred we ought not to marry. I said so. “St. John,” I returned, “I regard you as a brother—you, me as a sister: so let us continue.”
“We cannot—we cannot,” he answered, with short,sharp determination: “it would not do.You have said you will go with me to India:remember—you have said that.”
“Conditionally.”
“Well—well. To the main point—the departure with me from England,the co-operation with me in my future labours—you do not object.You have already as good as put your hand to the plough:you are too consistent to withdraw it.You have but one end to keep in view—how the work you have undertaken can best be done. Simplify your complicated interests, feelings, thoughts, wishes, aims; merge all considerations in one purpose: that of fulfilling with effect—with power—the mission of your great Master. To do so, you must have a coadjutor: not a brother—that is a loose tie—but a husband. I, too, do not want a sister: a sister might any day be taken from me. I want a wife: the sole helpmeet I can influence efficiently in life, and retain absolutely till death.”
I shuddered as he spoke:I felt his influence in my marrow—his hold on my limbs.
“Seek one elsewhere than in me, St. John:seek one fitted to you.”
“One fitted to my purpose,you mean—fitted to my vocation.Again I tell you it is not the insignificant private individual—the mere man,with the man’s selfish senses—I wish to mate:it is the missionary.”
“And I will give the missionary my energies—it is all he wants—but not myself:that would be only adding the husk and shell to the kernel.For them he has no use: I retain them.”
“You cannot—you ought not.Do you think God will be satisfied with half an oblation?Will He accept a mutilated sacrifice?It is the cause of God I advocate:it is under His standard I enlist you.I cannot accept on His behalf a divided allegiance: it must be entire.”
“Oh!I will give my heart to God,” I said.“_You_ do not want it.”
I will not swear, reader,that there was not something of repressed sarcasm both in the tone in which I uttered this sentence, and in the feeling that accompanied it. I had silently feared St. John till now, because I had not understood him. He had held me in awe, because he had held me in doubt. How much of him was saint, how much mortal, I could not heretofore tell: but revelations were being made in this conference: the analysis of his nature was proceeding before my eyes. I saw his fallibilities: I comprehended them. I understood that, sitting there where I did, on the bank of heath, and with that handsome form before me, I sat at the feet of a man, erring as I. The veil fell from his hardness and despotism. Having felt in him the presence of these qualities, I felt his imperfection and took courage. I was with an equal—one with whom I might argue—one whom, if I saw good, I might resist.
He was silent after I had uttered the last sentence,and I presently risked an upward glance at his countenance.His eye, bent on me,expressed at once stern surprise and keen inquiry.“Is she sarcastic, and sarcastic to _me!_” it seemed to say. “What does this signify?”