He was eating as well as drinking,and seemed to eat with a hungry appetite.He seemed curious regarding the cottage, too,as if it were the first time he had seen it.After stooping to put the bottle on the ground,he looked up at the windows, and looked about;though with a covert and impatient air,as if he was anxious to be gone.
The light in the passage was obscured for a moment,and my aunt came out. She was agitated,and told some money into his hand. I heard it chink.
‘What’s the use of this?’ he demanded.
‘I can spare no more,’ returned my aunt.
‘Then I can’t go,’ said he. ‘Here!You may take it back!’
‘You bad man,’ returned my aunt, with great emotion;‘how can you use me so?But why do I ask?It is because you know how weak I am!What have I to do, to free myself for ever of your visits,but to abandon you to your deserts?’
‘And why don’t you abandon me to my deserts?’ said he.
‘You ask me why!’ returned my aunt. ‘What a heart you must have!’
He stood moodily rattling the money,and shaking his head, until at length he said:
‘Is this all you mean to give me, then?’
‘It is all I CAN give you,’ said my aunt.‘You know I have had losses,and am poorer than I used to be. I have told you so.Having got it, why do you give me the pain of looking at you for another moment, and seeing what you have become?’
‘I have become shabby enough, if you mean that,’ he said. ‘I lead the life of an owl.’
‘You stripped me of the greater part of all I ever had,’ said my aunt. ‘You closed my heart against the whole world,years and years. You treated me falsely, ungratefully,and cruelly. Go, and repent of it.Don’t add new injuries to the long,long list of injuries you have done me!’
‘Aye!’ he returned. ‘It’s all very fine--Well!I must do the best I can, for the present, I suppose.’
In spite of himself,he appeared abashed by my aunt’s indignant tears,and came slouching out of the garden.Taking two or three quick steps,as if I had just come up, I met him at the gate,and went in as he came out.We eyed one another narrowly in passing, and with no favour.
‘Aunt,’ said I, hurriedly. ‘This man alarming you again!Let me speak to him. Who is he?’
‘Child,’ returned my aunt, taking my arm, ‘come in,and don’t speak to me for ten minutes.’
We sat down in her little parlour.My aunt retired behind the round green fan of former days,which was screwed on the back of a chair,and occasionally wiped her eyes,for about a quarter of an hour. Then she came out,and took a seat beside me.
‘Trot,’ said my aunt, calmly, ‘it’s my husband.’
‘Your husband, aunt?I thought he had been dead!’
‘Dead to me,’ returned my aunt, ‘but living.’
I sat in silent amazement.
‘Betsey Trotwood don’t look a likely subject for the tender passion,’ said my aunt, composedly, ‘but the time was, Trot,when she believed in that man most entirely.When she loved him, Trot, right well.When there was no proof of attachment and affection that she would not have given him. He repaid her by breaking her fortune, and nearly breaking her heart. So she put all that sort of sentiment, once and for ever, in a grave, and filled it up, and flattened it down.’
‘My dear, good aunt!’
‘I left him,’ my aunt proceeded,laying her hand as usual on the back of mine,‘generously. I may say at this distance of time, Trot,that I left him generously. He had been so cruel to me,that I might have effected a separation on easy terms for myself;but I did not. He soon made ducks and drakes of what I gave him,sank lower and lower, married another woman, I believe,became an adventurer, a gambler, and a cheat.What he is now, you see.But he was a fine-looking man when I married him,’ said my aunt, with an echo of her old pride and admiration in her tone;‘and I believed him--I was a fool!--to be the soul of honour!’
She gave my hand a squeeze, and shook her head.
‘He is nothing to me now, Trot--less than nothing. But,sooner than have him punished for his offences (as he would be if he prowled about in this country), I give him more money than I can afford, at intervals when he reappears, to go away. I was a fool when I married him; and I am so far an incurable fool on that subject, that, for the sake of what I once believed him to be, I wouldn’t have even this shadow of my idle fancy hardly dealt with. For I was in earnest, Trot, if ever a woman was.’
My aunt dismissed the matter with a heavy sigh,and smoothed her dress.
‘There, my dear!’ she said. ‘Now you know the beginning, middle,and end, and all about it.We won’t mention the subject to one another any more;neither, of course,will you mention it to anybody else. This is my grumpy,frumpy story, and we’ll keep it to ourselves, Trot!’
CHAPTER 48. DOMESTIC
I laboured hard at my book,without allowing it to interfere with the punctual discharge of my newspaper duties; and it came out and was very successful. I was not stunned by the praise which sounded in my ears, notwithstanding that I was keenly alive to it, and thought better of my own performance, I have little doubt, than anybody else did. It has always been in my observation of human nature, that a man who has any good reason to believe in himself never flourishes himself before the faces of other people in order that they may believe in him. For this reason, I retained my modesty in very self-respect; and the more praise I got, the more I tried to deserve.
It is not my purpose, in this record,though in all other essentials it is my written memory,to pursue the history of my own fictions.They express themselves,and I leave them to themselves. When I refer to them,incidentally, it is only as a part of my progress.
Having some foundation for believing, by this time,that nature and accident had made me an author,I pursued my vocation with confidence.Without such assurance I should certainly have left it alone,and bestowed my energy on some other endeavour.I should have tried to find out what nature and accident really had made me,and to be that, and nothing else. I had been writing,in the newspaper and elsewhere, so prosperously,that when my new success was achieved,I considered myself reasonably entitled to escape from the dreary debates.One joyful night, therefore,I noted down the music of the parliamentary bagpipes for the last time,and I have never heard it since;though I still recognize the old drone in the newspapers,without any substantial variation (except, perhaps,that there is more of it), all the livelong session.
I now write of the time when I had been married,I suppose, about a year and a half.After several varieties of experiment,we had given up the housekeeping as a bad job.The house kept itself, and we kept a page.The principal function of this retainer was to quarrel with the cook;in which respect he was a perfect Whittington,without his cat, or the remotest chance of being made Lord Mayor.
He appears to me to have lived in a hail of saucepan-lids.His whole existence was a scuffle.He would shriek for help on the most improper occasions,--as when we had a little dinner-party,or a few friends in the evening,--and would come tumbling out of the kitchen,with iron missiles flying after him.We wanted to get rid of him,but he was very much attached to us, and wouldn’t go.He was a tearful boy,and broke into such deplorable lamentations,when a cessation of our connexion was hinted at,that we were obliged to keep him.He had no mother--no anything in the way of a relative,that I could discover, except a sister,who fled to America the moment we had taken him off her hands;and he became quartered on us like a horrible young changeling.He had a lively perception of his own unfortunate state,and was always rubbing his eyes with the sleeve of his jacket,or stooping to blow his nose on the extreme corner of a little pocket-handkerchief, which he never would take completely out of his pocket, but always economized and secreted.