I began immediately. When Dora was very childish,and I would have infinitely preferred to humour her,I tried to be grave--and disconcerted her,and myself too. I talked to her on the subjects which occupied my thoughts;and I read Shakespeare to her--and fatigued her to the last degree.I accustomed myself to giving her,as it were quite casually,little scraps of useful information,or sound opinion--and she started from them when I let them off,as if they had been crackers.No matter how incidentally or naturally I endeavoured to form my little wife’s mind, I could not help seeing that she always had an instinctive perception of what I was about, and became a prey to the keenest apprehensions. In particular, it was clear to me, that she thought Shakespeare a terrible fellow. The formation went on very slowly.
I pressed Traddles into the service without his knowledge;and whenever he came to see us,exploded my mines upon him for the edification of Dora at second hand.The amount of practical wisdom I bestowed upon Traddles in this manner was immense, and of the best quality; but it had no other effect upon Dora than to depress her spirits, and make her always nervous with the dread that it would be her turn next. I found myself in the condition of a schoolmaster, a trap, a pitfall; of always playing spider to Dora’s fly, and always pouncing out of my hole to her infinite disturbance.
Still, looking forward through this intermediate stage,to the time when there should be a perfect sympathy between Dora and me,and when I should have ‘formed her mind’ to my entire satisfaction,I persevered, even for months. Finding at last,however, that, although I had been all this time a very porcupine or hedgehog,bristling all over with determination,I had effected nothing,it began to occur to me that perhaps Dora’s mind was already formed.
On further consideration this appeared so likely,that I abandoned my scheme,which had had a more promising appearance in words than in action;resolving henceforth to be satisfied with my child-wife,and to try to change her into nothing else by any process.I was heartily tired of being sagacious and prudent by myself,and of seeing my darling under restraint;so I bought a pretty pair of ear-rings for her,and a collar for Jip,and went home one day to make myself agreeable.
Dora was delighted with the little presents,and kissed me joyfully;but there was a shadow between us, however slight,and I had made up my mind that it should not be there.If there must be such a shadow anywhere,I would keep it for the future in my own breast.
I sat down by my wife on the sofa,and put the ear-rings in her ears;and then I told her that I feared we had not been quite as good company lately,as we used to be, and that the fault was mine.Which I sincerely felt, and which indeed it was.
‘The truth is, Dora, my life,’ I said;‘I have been trying to be wise.’
‘And to make me wise too,’ said Dora, timidly.‘Haven’t you, Doady?’
I nodded assent to the pretty inquiry of the raised eyebrows,and kissed the parted lips.
‘It’s of not a bit of use,’ said Dora, shaking her head,until the ear-rings rang again.‘You know what a little thing I am,and what I wanted you to call me from the first.If you can’t do so, I am afraid you’ll never like me.Are you sure you don’t think, sometimes,it would have been better to have--’
‘Done what, my dear?’ For she made no effort to proceed.
‘Nothing!’ said Dora.
‘Nothing?’ I repeated.
She put her arms round my neck, and laughed,and called herself by her favourite name of a goose,and hid her face on my shoulder in such a profusion of curls that it was quite a task to clear them away and see it.
‘Don’t I think it would have been better to have done nothing,than to have tried to form my little wife’s mind?’ said I, laughing at myself. ‘Is that the question?Yes, indeed, I do.’
‘Is that what you have been trying?’ cried Dora. ‘Oh what a shocking boy!’
‘But I shall never try any more,’ said I.‘For I love her dearly as she is.’
‘Without a story--really?’ inquired Dora, creeping closer to me.
‘Why should I seek to change,’ said I,‘what has been so precious to me for so long!You never can show better than as your own natural self,my sweet Dora; and we’ll try no conceited experiments,but go back to our old way, and be happy.’
‘And be happy!’ returned Dora. ‘Yes!All day!And you won’t mind things going a tiny morsel wrong, sometimes?’
‘No, no,’ said I. ‘We must do the best we can.’
‘And you won’t tell me, any more,that we make other people bad,’ coaxed Dora; ‘will you?Because you know it’s so dreadfully cross!’
‘No, no,’ said I.
‘It’s better for me to be stupid than uncomfortable, isn’t it?’ said Dora.
‘Better to be naturally Dora than anything else in the world. ’
‘In the world!Ah, Doady, it’s a large place!’
She shook her head, turned her delighted bright eyes up to mine,kissed me, broke into a merry laugh,and sprang away to put on Jip’s new collar.
So ended my last attempt to make any change in Dora.I had been unhappy in trying it;I could not endure my own solitary wisdom;I could not reconcile it with her former appeal to me as my child-wife.I resolved to do what I could, in a quiet way,to improve our proceedings myself,but I foresaw that my utmost would be very little,or I must degenerate into the spider again,and be for ever lying in wait.
And the shadow I have mentioned,that was not to be between us any more,but was to rest wholly on my own heart?How did that fall?
The old unhappy feeling pervaded my life.It was deepened, if it were changed at all;but it was as undefined as ever,and addressed me like a strain of sorrowful music faintly heard in the night.I loved my wife dearly, and I was happy;but the happiness I had vaguely anticipated, once,was not the happiness I enjoyed,and there was always something wanting.
In fulfilment of the compact I have made with myself,to reflect my mind on this paper, I again examine it,closely, and bring its secrets to the light.What I missed, I still regarded--I always regarded--as something that had been a dream of my youthful fancy; that was incapable of realization; that I was now discovering to be so, with some natural pain, as all men did. But that it would have been better for me if my wife could have helped me more, and shared the many thoughts in which I had no partner; and that this might have been; I knew.
Between these two irreconcilable conclusions: the one,that what I felt was general and unavoidable;the other, that it was particular to me,and might have been different: I balanced curiously,with no distinct sense of their opposition to each other.When I thought of the airy dreams of youth that are incapable of realization,I thought of the better state preceding manhood that I had outgrown;and then the contented days with Agnes,in the dear old house, arose before me,like spectres of the dead,that might have some renewal in another world,but never more could be reanimated here.
Sometimes, the speculation came into my thoughts,What might have happened, or what would have happened,if Dora and I had never known each other?But she was so incorporated with my existence,that it was the idlest of all fancies,and would soon rise out of my reach and sight,like gossamer floating in the air.