Elinor assured him that she did;—that she forgave,pitied, wished him well—was even interested in his happiness—and added some gentle counsel as to the behaviour most likely to promote it. His answer was not very encouraging.
“As to that,” said he,“I must rub through the world as well as I can.Domestic happiness is out of the question. If, however,I am allowed to think that you and yours feel an interest in my fate and actions, it may be the means—it may put me on my guard—at least, it may be something to live for. Marianne to be sure is lost to me for ever. Were I even by any blessed chance at liberty again—”
Elinor stopped him with a reproof.
“Well,”—he replied—“once more good bye.I shall now go away and live in dread of one event.”
“What do you mean?”
“Your sister’s marriage.”
“You are very wrong.She can never be more lost to you than she is now.”
“But she will be gained by some one else.And if that some one should be the very he whom,of all others, I could least bear—but I will not stay to rob myself of all your compassionate goodwill, by showing that where I have most injured I can least forgive. Good bye,—God bless you!”
And with these words, he almost ran out of the room.
CHAPTER XLV.
Elinor, for some time after he left her,for some time even after the sound of his carriage had died away,remained too much oppressed by a crowd of ideas,widely differing in themselves,but of which sadness was the general result,to think even of her sister.
Willoughby, he, whom only half an hour ago she had abhorred as the most worthless of men, Willoughby, in spite of all his faults, excited a degree of commiseration for the sufferings produced by them, which made her think of him as now separated for ever from her family, with a tenderness, a regret, rather in proportion, as she soon acknowledged within herself—to his wishes than to his merits. She felt that his influence over her mind was heightened by circumstances which ought not in reason to have weight; by that person of uncommon attraction, that open, affectionate, and lively manner which it was no merit to possess; and by that still ardent love for Marianne, which it was not even innocent to indulge. But she felt that it was so, long, long before she could feel his influence less.
When at last she returned to the unconscious Marianne,she found her just awaking,refreshed by so long and sweet a sleep to the extent of her hopes.Elinor’s heart was full. The past, the present,the future, Willoughby’s visit, Marianne’s safety,and her mother’s expected arrival,threw her altogether into an agitation of spirits which kept off every indication of fatigue, and made her only fearful of betraying herself to her sister. Short was the time, however, in which that fear could affect her, for within half an hour after Willoughby’s leaving the house, she was again called down stairs by the sound of another carriage.—Eager to save her mother from every unnecessary moment’s horrible suspense, she ran immediately into the hall, and reached the outward door just in time to receive and support her as she entered it.
Mrs. Dashwood, whose terror as they drew near the house had produced almost the conviction of Marianne’s being no more, had no voice to inquire after her, no voice even for Elinor; but _she_, waiting neither for salutation nor inquiry, instantly gave the joyful relief; and her mother, catching it with all her usual warmth, was in a moment as much overcome by her happiness, as she had been before by her fears. She was supported into the drawing-room between her daughter and her friend; and there, shedding tears of joy, though still unable to speak, embraced Elinor again and again, turning from her at intervals to press Colonel Brandon’s hand, with a look which spoke at once her gratitude, and her conviction of his sharing with herself in the bliss of the moment. He shared it, however, in a silence even greater than her own.
As soon as Mrs. Dashwood had recovered herself,to see Marianne was her first desire;and in two minutes she was with her beloved child,rendered dearer to her than ever by absence,unhappiness, and danger. Elinor’s delight,as she saw what each felt in the meeting,was only checked by an apprehension of its robbing Marianne of farther sleep:but Mrs. Dashwood could be calm, could be even prudent,when the life of a child was at stake, and Marianne,satisfied in knowing her mother was near her,and conscious of being too weak for conversation,submitted readily to the silence and quiet prescribed by every nurse around her. Mrs. Dashwood _would_ sit up with her all night; and Elinor, in compliance with her mother’s entreaty, went to bed. But the rest, which one night entirely sleepless, and many hours of the most wearing anxiety seemed to make requisite, was kept off by irritation of spirits. Willoughby, “poor Willoughby,” as she now allowed herself to call him, was constantly in her thoughts; she would not but have heard his vindication for the world, and now blamed, now acquitted herself for having judged him so harshly before. But her promise of relating it to her sister was invariably painful. She dreaded the performance of it, dreaded what its effect on Marianne might be; doubted whether after such an explanation she could ever be happy with another; and for a moment wished Willoughby a widower. Then, remembering Colonel Brandon, reproved herself, felt that to _his_ sufferings and _his_ constancy far more than to his rival’s, the reward of her sister was due, and wished any thing rather than Mrs. Willoughby’s death.
The shock of Colonel Brandon’s errand at Barton had been much softened to Mrs.Dashwood by her own previous alarm;for so great was her uneasiness about Marianne,that she had already determined to set out for Cleveland on that very day,without waiting for any further intelligence,and had so far settled her journey before his arrival,that the Careys were then expected every moment to fetch Margaret away,as her mother was unwilling to take her where there might be infection.
Marianne continued to mend every day,and the brilliant cheerfulness of Mrs.Dashwood’s looks and spirits proved her to be,as she repeatedly declared herself,one of the happiest women in the world.Elinor could not hear the declaration,nor witness its proofs without sometimes wondering whether her mother ever recollected Edward. But Mrs. Dashwood, trusting to the temperate account of her own disappointment which Elinor had sent her, was led away by the exuberance of her joy to think only of what would increase it. Marianne was restored to her from a danger in which, as she now began to feel, her own mistaken judgment in encouraging the unfortunate attachment to Willoughby, had contributed to place her;—and in her recovery she had yet another source of joy unthought of by Elinor. It was thus imparted to her, as soon as any opportunity of private conference between them occurred.
“At last we are alone. My Elinor,you do not yet know all my happiness.Colonel Brandon loves Marianne.He has told me so himself.”