“And will you consent to dispense with a great many conventional forms and phrases, without thinking that the omission arises from insolence?”
“I am sure, sir, I should never mistake informality for insolence:one I rather like, the other nothing free-born would submit to, even for a salary.”
“Humbug!Most things free-born will submit to anything for a salary;therefore, keep to yourself,and don’t venture on generalities of which you are intensely ignorant.However, I mentally shake hands with you for your answer,despite its inaccuracy;and as much for the manner in which it was said,as for the substance of the speech;the manner was frank and sincere;one does not often see such a manner: no,on the contrary, affectation, or coldness, or stupid,coarse-minded misapprehension of one’s meaning are the usual rewards of candour. Not three in three thousand raw school-girl-governesses would have answered me as you have just done. But I don’t mean to flatter you: if you are cast in a different mould to the majority, it is no merit of yours: Nature did it. And then, after all, I go too fast in my conclusions: for what I yet know, you may be no better than the rest; you may have intolerable defects to counterbalance your few good points.”
“And so may you,” I thought.My eye met his as the idea crossed my mind:he seemed to read the glance,answering as if its import had been spoken as well as imagined—
“Yes, yes, you are right,” said he;“I have plenty of faults of my own: I know it,and I don’t wish to palliate them, I assure you.God wot I need not be too severe about others;I have a past existence, a series of deeds,a colour of life to contemplate within my own breast,which might well call my sneers and censures from my neighbours to myself.I started, or rather (for like other defaulters,I like to lay half the blame on ill fortune and adverse circumstances) was thrust on to a wrong tack at the age of one-and-twenty, and have never recovered the right course since: but I might have been very different; I might have been as good as you—wiser—almost as stainless. I envy you your peace of mind, your clean conscience, your unpolluted memory. Little girl, a memory without blot or contamination must be an exquisite treasure—an inexhaustible source of pure refreshment: is it not?”
“How was your memory when you were eighteen, sir?”
“All right then; limpid, salubrious:no gush of bilge water had turned it to fetid puddle.I was your equal at eighteen—quite your equal.Nature meant me to be, on the whole, a good man,Miss Eyre; one of the better kind,and you see I am not so.You would say you don’t see it;at least I flatter myself I read as much in your eye (beware,by-the-bye, what you express with that organ;I am quick at interpreting its language).Then take my word for it,—I am not a villain:you are not to suppose that—not to attribute to me any such bad eminence;but, owing, I verily believe,rather to circumstances than to my natural bent,I am a trite commonplace sinner,hackneyed in all the poor petty dissipations with which the rich and worthless try to put on life. Do you wonder that I avow this to you?Know, that in the course of your future life you will often find yourself elected the involuntary confidant of your acquaintances’ secrets: people will instinctively find out, as I have done, that it is not your forte to tell of yourself, but to listen while others talk of themselves; they will feel, too, that you listen with no malevolent scorn of their indiscretion, but with a kind of innate sympathy; not the less comforting and encouraging because it is very unobtrusive in its manifestations.”
“How do you know?—how can you guess all this, sir?”
“I know it well; therefore I proceed almost as freely as if I were writing my thoughts in a diary. You would say, I should have been superior to circumstances; so I should—so I should; but you see I was not. When fate wronged me, I had not the wisdom to remain cool: I turned desperate; then I degenerated. Now, when any vicious simpleton excites my disgust by his paltry ribaldry, I cannot flatter myself that I am better than he: I am forced to confess that he and I are on a level. I wish I had stood firm—God knows I do!Dread remorse when you are tempted to err, Miss Eyre;remorse is the poison of life.”
“Repentance is said to be its cure, sir.”
“It is not its cure. Reformation may be its cure;and I could reform—I have strength yet for that—if—but where is the use of thinking of it, hampered, burdened, cursed as I am?Besides, since happiness is irrevocably denied me,I have a right to get pleasure out of life:and I _will_ get it, cost what it may.”
“Then you will degenerate still more, sir.”
“Possibly: yet why should I, if I can get sweet, fresh pleasure?And I may get it as sweet and fresh as the wild honey the bee gathers on the moor.”
“It will sting—it will taste bitter, sir.”
“How do you know?—you never tried it.How very serious—how very solemn you look:and you are as ignorant of the matter as this cameo head” (taking one from the mantelpiece). “You have no right to preach to me, you neophyte, that have not passed the porch of life, and are absolutely unacquainted with its mysteries.”
“I only remind you of your own words, sir:you said error brought remorse,and you pronounced remorse the poison of existence.”
“And who talks of error now?I scarcely think the notion that flittered across my brain was an error.I believe it was an inspiration rather than a temptation:it was very genial, very soothing—I know that.Here it comes again!It is no devil, I assure you; or if it be,it has put on the robes of an angel of light.I think I must admit so fair a guest when it asks entrance to my heart. ”
“Distrust it, sir; it is not a true angel.”
“Once more, how do you know?By what instinct do you pretend to distinguish between a fallen seraph of the abyss and a messenger from the eternal throne—between a guide and a seducer?”
“I judged by your countenance, sir,which was troubled when you said the suggestion had returned upon you.I feel sure it will work you more misery if you listen to it. ”
“Not at all—it bears the most gracious message in the world:for the rest, you are not my conscience-keeper,so don’t make yourself uneasy. Here, come in, bonny wanderer!”
He said this as if he spoke to a vision,viewless to any eye but his own; then,folding his arms, which he had half extended,on his chest, he seemed to enclose in their embrace the invisible being.
“Now,” he continued, again addressing me,“I have received the pilgrim—a disguised deity,as I verily believe. Already it has done me good:my heart was a sort of charnel;it will now be a shrine.”
“To speak truth, sir, I don’t understand you at all:I cannot keep up the conversation,because it has got out of my depth. Only one thing,I know: you said you were not as good as you should like to be,and that you regretted your own imperfection;—one thing I can comprehend:you intimated that to have a sullied memory was a perpetual bane.It seems to me, that if you tried hard,you would in time find it possible to become what you yourself would approve;and that if from this day you began with resolution to correct your thoughts and actions, you would in a few years have laid up a new and stainless store of recollections, to which you might revert with pleasure.”
“Justly thought; rightly said, Miss Eyre; and,at this moment, I am paving hell with energy.”
“Sir?”
“I am laying down good intentions,which I believe durable as flint. Certainly,my associates and pursuits shall be other than they have been. ”
“And better?”
“And better—so much better as pure ore is than foul dross.You seem to doubt me; I don’t doubt myself:I know what my aim is, what my motives are;and at this moment I pass a law,unalterable as that of the Medes and Persians,that both are right.”