I obeyed him; then he put the glass on the table,stood before me, and looked at me attentively.Suddenly he turned away,with an inarticulate exclamation,full of passionate emotion of some kind;he walked fast through the room and came back;he stooped towards me as if to kiss me;but I remembered caresses were now forbidden.I turned my face away and put his aside.
“What!—How is this?” he exclaimed hastily. “Oh, I know!you won’t kiss the husband of Bertha Mason?You consider my arms filled and my embraces appropriated?”
“At any rate, there is neither room nor claim for me, sir.”
“Why, Jane?I will spare you the trouble of much talking;I will answer for you—Because I have a wife already,you would reply.—I guess rightly?”
“Yes.”
“If you think so, you must have a strange opinion of me;you must regard me as a plotting profligate—a base and low rake who has been simulating disinterested love in order to draw you into a snare deliberately laid, and strip you of honour and rob you of self-respect. What do you say to that?I see you can say nothing: in the first place,you are faint still,and have enough to do to draw your breath;in the second place,you cannot yet accustom yourself to accuse and revile me,and besides, the flood-gates of tears are opened,and they would rush out if you spoke much;and you have no desire to expostulate, to upbraid,to make a scene: you are thinking how _to act_—_talking_ you consider is of no use. I know you—I am on my guard.”
“Sir, I do not wish to act against you,” I said;and my unsteady voice warned me to curtail my sentence.
“Not in _your_ sense of the word,but in _mine_ you are scheming to destroy me.You have as good as said that I am a married man—as a married man you will shun me, keep out of my way: just now you have refused to kiss me. You intend to make yourself a complete stranger to me: to live under this roof only as Adèle’s governess; if ever I say a friendly word to you, if ever a friendly feeling inclines you again to me, you will say,—‘That man had nearly made me his mistress: I must be ice and rock to him;’ and ice and rock you will accordingly become.”
I cleared and steadied my voice to reply:“All is changed about me, sir;I must change too—there is no doubt of that;and to avoid fluctuations of feeling,and continual combats with recollections and associations,there is only one way—Adèle must have a new governess, sir.”
“Oh, Adèle will go to school—I have settled that already;nor do I mean to torment you with the hideous associations and recollections of Thornfield Hall—this accursed place—this tent of Achan—this insolent vault, offering the ghastliness of living death to the light of the open sky—this narrow stone hell, with its one real fiend, worse than a legion of such as we imagine. Jane, you shall not stay here, nor will I. I was wrong ever to bring you to Thornfield Hall, knowing as I did how it was haunted. I charged them to conceal from you, before I ever saw you, all knowledge of the curse of the place; merely because I feared Adèle never would have a governess to stay if she knew with what inmate she was housed, and my plans would not permit me to remove the maniac elsewhere—though I possess an old house, Ferndean Manor, even more retired and hidden than this, where I could have lodged her safely enough, had not a scruple about the unhealthiness of the situation, in the heart of a wood, made my conscience recoil from the arrangement. Probably those damp walls would soon have eased me of her charge: but to each villain his own vice; and mine is not a tendency to indirect assassination, even of what I most hate.
“Concealing the mad-woman’s neighbourhood from you,however, was something like covering a child with a cloak and laying it down near a upas-tree: that demon’s vicinage is poisoned, and always was. But I’ll shut up Thornfield Hall: I’ll nail up the front door and board the lower windows: I’ll give Mrs. Poole two hundred a year to live here with _my wife_, as you term that fearful hag: Grace will do much for money, and she shall have her son, the keeper at Grimsby Retreat, to bear her company and be at hand to give her aid in the paroxysms, when _my wife_ is prompted by her familiar to burn people in their beds at night, to stab them, to bite their flesh from their bones, and so on—”
“Sir,” I interrupted him,“you are inexorable for that unfortunate lady:you speak of her with hate—with vindictive antipathy.It is cruel—she cannot help being mad.”
“Jane, my little darling (so I will call you,for so you are), you don’t know what you are talking about;you misjudge me again:it is not because she is mad I hate her.If you were mad, do you think I should hate you?”
“I do indeed, sir.”
“Then you are mistaken, and you know nothing about me,and nothing about the sort of love of which I am capable.Every atom of your flesh is as dear to me as my own:in pain and sickness it would still be dear.Your mind is my treasure, and if it were broken,it would be my treasure still: if you raved,my arms should confine you,and not a strait waistcoat—your grasp, even in fury,would have a charm for me:if you flew at me as wildly as that woman did this morning,I should receive you in an embrace,at least as fond as it would be restrictive.I should not shrink from you with disgust as I did from her:in your quiet moments you should have no watcher and no nurse but me;and I could hang over you with untiring tenderness,though you gave me no smile in return;and never weary of gazing into your eyes,though they had no longer a ray of recognition for me.—But why do I follow that train of ideas?I was talking of removing you from Thornfield. All,you know, is prepared for prompt departure:to-morrow you shall go.I only ask you to endure one more night under this roof,Jane; and then, farewell to its miseries and terrors for ever!I have a place to repair to,which will be a secure sanctuary from hateful reminiscences,from unwelcome intrusion—even from falsehood and slander. ”
“And take Adèle with you, sir,” I interrupted;“she will be a companion for you.”
“What do you mean, Jane?I told you I would send Adèle to school;and what do I want with a child for a companion,and not my own child,—a French dancer’s bastard?Why do you importune me about her!I say, why do you assign Adèle to me for a companion?”
“You spoke of a retirement, sir;and retirement and solitude are dull: too dull for you. ”
“Solitude!solitude!” he reiterated with irritation.“I see I must come to an explanation.I don’t know what sphynx-like expression is forming in your countenance._You_ are to share my solitude. Do you understand?”
I shook my head: it required a degree of courage,excited as he was becoming,even to risk that mute sign of dissent.He had been walking fast about the room,and he stopped, as if suddenly rooted to one spot.He looked at me long and hard:I turned my eyes from him, fixed them on the fire,and tried to assume and maintain a quiet, collected aspect.
“Now for the hitch in Jane’s character,” he said at last, speaking more calmly than from his look I had expected him to speak. “The reel of silk has run smoothly enough so far; but I always knew there would come a knot and a puzzle: here it is. Now for vexation, and exasperation, and endless trouble!By God!I long to exert a fraction of Samson’s strength,and break the entanglement like tow!”
He recommenced his walk, but soon again stopped,and this time just before me.