‘Don’t, my love, say that!’ implored my mother very piteously. ‘Oh, don’t, Edward!I can’t bear to hear it. Whatever I am,I am affectionate. I know I am affectionate.I wouldn’t say it, if I wasn’t sure that I am.Ask Peggotty. I am sure she’ll tell you I’m affectionate. ’
‘There is no extent of mere weakness, Clara,’ said Mr.Murdstone in reply,‘that can have the least weight with me. You lose breath.’
‘Pray let us be friends,’ said my mother,‘I couldn’t live under coldness or unkindness.I am so sorry. I have a great many defects, I know,and it’s very good of you, Edward,with your strength of mind,to endeavour to correct them for me. Jane,I don’t object to anything.I should be quite broken-hearted if you thought of leaving--’ My mother was too much overcome to go on.
‘Jane Murdstone,’ said Mr. Murdstone to his sister,‘any harsh words between us are, I hope, uncommon.It is not my fault that so unusual an occurrence has taken place tonight.I was betrayed into it by another.Nor is it your fault.You were betrayed into it by another.Let us both try to forget it. And as this,’ he added,after these magnanimous words,‘is not a fit scene for the boy--David, go to bed!’
I could hardly find the door,through the tears that stood in my eyes.I was so sorry for my mother’s distress;but I groped my way out,and groped my way up to my room in the dark,without even having the heart to say good night to Peggotty,or to get a candle from her.When her coming up to look for me,an hour or so afterwards, awoke me,she said that my mother had gone to bed poorly,and that Mr. and Miss Murdstone were sitting alone.
Going down next morning rather earlier than usual,I paused outside the parlour door,on hearing my mother’s voice.She was very earnestly and humbly entreating Miss Murdstone’s pardon,which that lady granted,and a perfect reconciliation took place.I never knew my mother afterwards to give an opinion on any matter,without first appealing to Miss Murdstone,or without having first ascertained by some sure means,what Miss Murdstone’s opinion was;and I never saw Miss Murdstone,when out of temper (she was infirm that way),move her hand towards her bag as if she were going to take out the keys and offer to resign them to my mother, without seeing that my mother was in a terrible fright.
The gloomy taint that was in the Murdstone blood,darkened the Murdstone religion,which was austere and wrathful. I have thought, since,that its assuming that character was a necessary consequence of Mr.Murdstone’s firmness,which wouldn’t allow him to let anybody off from the utmost weight of the severest penalties he could find any excuse for. Be this as it may, I well remember the tremendous visages with which we used to go to church, and the changed air of the place. Again, the dreaded Sunday comes round, and I file into the old pew first, like a guarded captive brought to a condemned service. Again, Miss Murdstone, in a black velvet gown, that looks as if it had been made out of a pall, follows close upon me; then my mother; then her husband. There is no Peggotty now, as in the old time. Again, I listen to Miss Murdstone mumbling the responses, and emphasizing all the dread words with a cruel relish. Again, I see her dark eyes roll round the church when she says ‘miserable sinners’, as if she were calling all the congregation names. Again, I catch rare glimpses of my mother, moving her lips timidly between the two, with one of them muttering at each ear like low thunder. Again, I wonder with a sudden fear whether it is likely that our good old clergyman can be wrong, and Mr. and Miss Murdstone right, and that all the angels in Heaven can be destroying angels. Again, if I move a finger or relax a muscle of my face, Miss Murdstone pokes me with her prayer-book, and makes my side ache.
Yes, and again, as we walk home,I note some neighbours looking at my mother and at me,and whispering. Again, as the three go on arm-in-arm,and I linger behind alone,I follow some of those looks,and wonder if my mother’s step be really not so light as I have seen it,and if the gaiety of her beauty be really almost worried away.Again, I wonder whether any of the neighbours call to mind,as I do, how we used to walk home together, she and I;and I wonder stupidly about that,all the dreary dismal day.
There had been some talk on occasions of my going to boarding-school.Mr. and Miss Murdstone had originated it,and my mother had of course agreed with them. Nothing,however, was concluded on the subject yet.In the meantime, I learnt lessons at home.Shall I ever forget those lessons!They were presided over nominally by my mother,but really by Mr. Murdstone and his sister,who were always present,and found them a favourable occasion for giving my mother lessons in that miscalled firmness, which was the bane of both our lives. I believe I was kept at home for that purpose. I had been apt enough to learn, and willing enough, when my mother and I had lived alone together. I can faintly remember learning the alphabet at her knee. To this day, when I look upon the fat black letters in the primer, the puzzling novelty of their shapes, and the easy good-nature of O and Q and S, seem to present themselves again before me as they used to do. But they recall no feeling of disgust or reluctance. On the contrary, I seem to have walked along a path of flowers as far as the crocodile-book, and to have been cheered by the gentleness of my mother’s voice and manner all the way. But these solemn lessons which succeeded those, I remember as the death-blow of my peace, and a grievous daily drudgery and misery. They were very long, very numerous, very hard--perfectly unintelligible, some of them, to me--and I was generally as much bewildered by them as I believe my poor mother was herself.
Let me remember how it used to be,and bring one morning back again.