‘No, Peggotty,’ returned my mother, ‘but you insinuated.That’s what I told you just now.That’s the worst of you. You WILL insinuate. I said,at the moment, that I understood you,and you see I did. When you talk of Mr.Murdstone’s good intentions,and pretend to slight them (for I don’t believe you really do,in your heart, Peggotty),you must be as well convinced as I am how good they are,and how they actuate him in everything.If he seems to have been at all stern with a certain person,Peggotty--you understand, and so I am sure does Davy,that I am not alluding to anybody present--it is solely because he is satisfied that it is for a certain person’s benefit. He naturally loves a certain person, on my account; and acts solely for a certain person’s good. He is better able to judge of it than I am; for I very well know that I am a weak, light, girlish creature, and that he is a firm, grave, serious man. And he takes,’ said my mother, with the tears which were engendered in her affectionate nature, stealing down her face, ‘he takes great pains with me; and I ought to be very thankful to him, and very submissive to him even in my thoughts; and when I am not, Peggotty, I worry and condemn myself, and feel doubtful of my own heart, and don’t know what to do.’
Peggotty sat with her chin on the foot of the stocking,looking silently at the fire.
‘There, Peggotty,’ said my mother, changing her tone,‘don’t let us fall out with one another,for I couldn’t bear it. You are my true friend, I know,if I have any in the world.When I call you a ridiculous creature,or a vexatious thing, or anything of that sort,Peggotty, I only mean that you are my true friend,and always have been, ever since the night when Mr.Copperfield first brought me home here,and you came out to the gate to meet me.’
Peggotty was not slow to respond,and ratify the treaty of friendship by giving me one of her best hugs.I think I had some glimpses of the real character of this conversation at the time; but I am sure, now, that the good creature originated it, and took her part in it, merely that my mother might comfort herself with the little contradictory summary in which she had indulged. The design was efficacious; for I remember that my mother seemed more at ease during the rest of the evening, and that Peggotty observed her less.
When we had had our tea, and the ashes were thrown up,and the candles snuffed,I read Peggotty a chapter out of the Crocodile Book,in remembrance of old times--she took it out of her pocket:I don’t know whether she had kept it there ever since--and then we talked about Salem House, which brought me round again to Steerforth, who was my great subject. We were very happy; and that evening, as the last of its race, and destined evermore to close that volume of my life, will never pass out of my memory.
It was almost ten o’clock before we heard the sound of wheels.We all got up then; and my mother said hurriedly that,as it was so late, and Mr.and Miss Murdstone approved of early hours for young people,perhaps I had better go to bed. I kissed her,and went upstairs with my candle directly,before they came in. It appeared to my childish fancy,as I ascended to the bedroom where I had been imprisoned,that they brought a cold blast of air into the house which blew away the old familiar feeling like a feather.
I felt uncomfortable about going down to breakfast in the morning,as I had never set eyes on Mr.Murdstone since the day when I committed my memorable offence.However, as it must be done, I went down,after two or three false starts half-way,and as many runs back on tiptoe to my own room,and presented myself in the parlour.
He was standing before the fire with his back to it,while Miss Murdstone made the tea.He looked at me steadily as I entered,but made no sign of recognition whatever.I went up to him, after a moment of confusion,and said: ‘I beg your pardon, sir.I am very sorry for what I did,and I hope you will forgive me.’
‘I am glad to hear you are sorry, David,’ he replied.
The hand he gave me was the hand I had bitten.I could not restrain my eye from resting for an instant on a red spot upon it;but it was not so red as I turned,when I met that sinister expression in his face.
‘How do you do, ma’am?’ I said to Miss Murdstone.
‘Ah, dear me!’ sighed Miss Murdstone,giving me the tea-caddy scoop instead of her fingers.‘How long are the holidays?’
‘A month, ma’am.’
‘Counting from when?’
‘From today, ma’am.’
‘Oh!’ said Miss Murdstone. ‘Then here’s one day off.’
She kept a calendar of the holidays in this way,and every morning checked a day off in exactly the same manner.She did it gloomily until she came to ten,but when she got into two figures she became more hopeful,and, as the time advanced, even jocular.
It was on this very first day that I had the misfortune to throw her,though she was not subject to such weakness in general,into a state of violent consternation.I came into the room where she and my mother were sitting;and the baby (who was only a few weeks old) being on my mother’s lap,I took it very carefully in my arms.Suddenly Miss Murdstone gave such a scream that I all but dropped it.
‘My dear Jane!’ cried my mother.
‘Good heavens, Clara, do you see?’ exclaimed Miss Murdstone.
‘See what, my dear Jane?’ said my mother; ‘where?’
‘He’s got it!’ cried Miss Murdstone. ‘The boy has got the baby!’
She was limp with horror;but stiffened herself to make a dart at me,and take it out of my arms. Then, she turned faint;and was so very ill that they were obliged to give her cherry brandy.I was solemnly interdicted by her, on her recovery,from touching my brother any more on any pretence whatever;and my poor mother, who, I could see, wished otherwise,meekly confirmed the interdict, by saying:‘No doubt you are right, my dear Jane.’
On another occasion, when we three were together,this same dear baby--it was truly dear to me,for our mother’s sake--was the innocent occasion of Miss Murdstone’s going into a passion. My mother, who had been looking at its eyes as it lay upon her lap, said:
‘Davy!come here!’ and looked at mine.
I saw Miss Murdstone lay her beads down.
‘I declare,’ said my mother, gently,‘they are exactly alike. I suppose they are mine.I think they are the colour of mine.But they are wonderfully alike.’
‘What are you talking about, Clara?’ said Miss Murdstone.
‘My dear Jane,’ faltered my mother,a little abashed by the harsh tone of this inquiry,‘I find that the baby’s eyes and Davy’s are exactly alike. ’
‘Clara!’ said Miss Murdstone, rising angrily,‘you are a positive fool sometimes.’
‘My dear Jane,’ remonstrated my mother.
‘A positive fool,’ said Miss Murdstone.‘Who else could compare my brother’s baby with your boy?They are not at all alike. They are exactly unlike.They are utterly dissimilar in all respects.I hope they will ever remain so. I will not sit here,and hear such comparisons made.’ With that she stalked out,and made the door bang after her.
In short, I was not a favourite with Miss Murdstone.In short, I was not a favourite there with anybody,not even with myself;for those who did like me could not show it,and those who did not,showed it so plainly that I had a sensitive consciousness of always appearing constrained, boorish, and dull.