‘It only remains for me, to bear the knowledge of the unhappiness I have occasioned,as submissively as I can. It is she who should reproach; not I. To save her from misconstruction,cruel misconstruction, that even my friends have not been able to avoid, becomes my duty.The more retired we live, the better I shall discharge it.And when the time comes--may it come soon, if it be His merciful pleasure!--when my death shall release her from constraint, I shall close my eyes upon her honoured face,with unbounded confidence and love; and leave her, with no sorrow then, to happier and brighter days.’
I could not see him for the tears which his earnestness and goodness, so adorned by,and so adorning, the perfect simplicity of his manner, brought into my eyes.He had moved to the door, when he added:
‘Gentlemen, I have shown you my heart. I am sure you will respect it.What we have said tonight is never to be said more. Wickfield, give me an old friend’s arm upstairs!’
Mr. Wickfield hastened to him. Without interchanging a word they went slowly out of the room together, Uriah looking after them.
‘Well, Master Copperfield!’ said Uriah, meekly turning to me. ‘The thing hasn’t took quite the turn that might have been expected,for the old Scholar--what an excellent man!--is as blind as a brickbat; but this family’s out of the cart, I think!’
I needed but the sound of his voice to be so madly enraged as I never was before, and never have been since.
‘You villain,’ said I, ‘what do you mean by entrapping me into your schemes?How dare you appeal to me just now, you false rascal, as if we had been in discussion together?’
As we stood, front to front, I saw so plainly, in the stealthy exultation of his face,what I already so plainly knew; I mean that he forced his confidence upon me,expressly to make me miserable, and had set a deliberate trap for me in this very matter;that I couldn’t bear it. The whole of his lank cheek was invitingly before me,and I struck it with my open hand with that force that my fingers tingled as if I had burnt them.
He caught the hand in his, and we stood in that connexion, looking at each other. We stood so,a long time; long enough for me to see the white marks of my fingers die out of the deep red of his cheek, and leave it a deeper red.
‘Copperfield,’ he said at length, in a breathless voice, ‘have you taken leave of your senses?’
‘I have taken leave of you,’ said I, wresting my hand away. ‘You dog, I’ll know no more of you.’
‘Won’t you?’ said he, constrained by the pain of his cheek to put his hand there.‘Perhaps you won’t be able to help it. Isn’t this ungrateful of you, now?’
‘I have shown you often enough,’ said I, ‘that I despise you. I have shown you now, more plainly,that I do. Why should I dread your doing your worst to all about you?What else do you ever do?’
He perfectly understood this allusion to the considerations that had hitherto restrained me in my communications with him.I rather think that neither the blow, nor the allusion, would have escaped me,but for the assurance I had had from Agnes that night. It is no matter.
There was another long pause. His eyes, as he looked at me,seemed to take every shade of colour that could make eyes ugly.
‘Copperfield,’ he said, removing his hand from his cheek, ‘you have always gone against me.I know you always used to be against me at Mr. Wickfield’s.’
‘You may think what you like,’ said I, still in a towering rage. ‘If it is not true, so much the worthier you.’
‘And yet I always liked you, Copperfield!’ he rejoined.
I deigned to make him no reply; and, taking up my hat, was going out to bed, when he came between me and the door.
‘Copperfield,’ he said, ‘there must be two parties to a quarrel. I won’t be one.’
‘You may go to the devil!’ said I.
‘Don’t say that!’ he replied. ‘I know you’ll be sorry afterwards. How can you make yourself so inferior to me, as to show such a bad spirit?But I forgive you.’
‘You forgive me!’ I repeated disdainfully.
‘I do, and you can’t help yourself,’ replied Uriah. ‘To think of your going and attacking me, that have always been a friend to you!But there can’t be a quarrel without two parties, and I won’t be one. I will be a friend to you,in spite of you. So now you know what you’ve got to expect.’
The necessity of carrying on this dialogue (his part in which was very slow;mine very quick) in a low tone, that the house might not be disturbed at an unseasonable hour,did not improve my temper; though my passion was cooling down.Merely telling him that I should expect from him what I always had expected,and had never yet been disappointed in, I opened the door upon him,as if he had been a great walnut put there to be cracked, and went out of the house.But he slept out of the house too, at his mother’s lodging;and before I had gone many hundred yards, came up with me.
‘You know, Copperfield,’ he said, in my ear (I did not turn my head),‘you’re in quite a wrong position’; which I felt to be true, and that made me chafe the more;‘you can’t make this a brave thing, and you can’t help being forgiven.I don’t intend to mention it to mother, nor to any living soul. I’m determined to forgive you.But I do wonder that you should lift your hand against a person that you knew to be so umble!’
I felt only less mean than he. He knew me better than I knew myself.If he had retorted or openly exasperated me, it would have been a relief and a justification;but he had put me on a slow fire, on which I lay tormented half the night.
In the morning, when I came out, the early church-bell was ringing,and he was walking up and down with his mother. He addressed me as if nothing had happened,and I could do no less than reply. I had struck him hard enough to give him the toothache,I suppose. At all events his face was tied up in a black silk handkerchief, which,with his hat perched on the top of it, was far from improving his appearance.I heard that he went to a dentist’s in London on the Monday morning, and had a tooth out. I hope it was a double one.
The Doctor gave out that he was not quite well; and remained alone,for a considerable part of every day, during the remainder of the visit.Agnes and her father had been gone a week, before we resumed our usual work.On the day preceding its resumption, the Doctor gave me with his own hands a folded note not sealed.It was addressed to myself; and laid an injunction on me, in a few affectionate words,never to refer to the subject of that evening. I had confided it to my aunt, but to no one else.It was not a subject I could discuss with Agnes,and Agnes certainly had not the least suspicion of what had passed.
Neither, I felt convinced, had Mrs. Strong then.Several weeks elapsed before I saw the least change in her. It came on slowly,like a cloud when there is no wind. At first,she seemed to wonder at the gentle compassion with which the Doctor spoke to her,and at his wish that she should have her mother with her, to relieve the dull monotony of her life.Often, when we were at work, and she was sitting by,I would see her pausing and looking at him with that memorable face. Afterwards,I sometimes observed her rise, with her eyes full of tears, and go out of the room. Gradually,an unhappy shadow fell upon her beauty, and deepened every day. Mrs.Markleham was a regular inmate of the cottage then; but she talked and talked, and saw nothing.
As this change stole on Annie, once like sunshine in the Doctor’s house,the Doctor became older in appearance, and more grave; but the sweetness of his temper,the placid kindness of his manner, and his benevolent solicitude for her,if they were capable of any increase, were increased. I saw him once,early on the morning of her birthday, when she came to sit in the window while we were at work (which she had always done,but now began to do with a timid and uncertain air that I thought very touching),take her forehead between his hands, kiss it, and go hurriedly away, too much moved to remain.I saw her stand where he had left her, like a statue; and then bend down her head,and clasp her hands, and weep, I cannot say how sorrowfully.
Sometimes, after that, I fancied that she tried to speak even to me,in intervals when we were left alone. But she never uttered a word.The Doctor always had some new project for her participating in amusements away from home,with her mother; and Mrs. Markleham, who was very fond of amusements,and very easily dissatisfied with anything else, entered into them with great good-will,and was loud in her commendations. But Annie, in a spiritless unhappy way,only went whither she was led, and seemed to have no care for anything.
I did not know what to think. Neither did my aunt; who must have walked, at various times,a hundred miles in her uncertainty. What was strangest of all was,that the only real relief which seemed to make its way into the secret region of this domestic unhappiness,made its way there in the person of Mr. Dick.
What his thoughts were on the subject, or what his observation was, I am as unable to explain,as I dare say he would have been to assist me in the task. But,as I have recorded in the narrative of my school days, his veneration for the Doctor was unbounded;and there is a subtlety of perception in real attachment,even when it is borne towards man by one of the lower animals,which leaves the highest intellect behind. To this mind of the heart, if I may call it so, in Mr.Dick, some bright ray of the truth shot straight.
He had proudly resumed his privilege, in many of his spare hours,of walking up and down the garden with the Doctor;as he had been accustomed to pace up and down The Doctor’s Walk at Canterbury.But matters were no sooner in this state,than he devoted all his spare time (and got up earlier to make it more) to these perambulations.If he had never been so happy as when the Doctor read that marvellous performance, the Dictionary,to him; he was now quite miserable unless the Doctor pulled it out of his pocket, and began.When the Doctor and I were engaged, he now fell into the custom of walking up and down with Mrs.Strong, and helping her to trim her favourite flowers, or weed the beds.I dare say he rarely spoke a dozen words in an hour: but his quiet interest, and his wistful face,found immediate response in both their breasts; each knew that the other liked him,and that he loved both; and he became what no one else could be--a link between them.
When I think of him, with his impenetrably wise face, walking up and down with the Doctor,delighted to be battered by the hard words in the Dictionary;when I think of him carrying huge watering-pots after Annie; kneeling down, in very paws of gloves,at patient microscopic work among the little leaves;expressing as no philosopher could have expressed, in everything he did,a delicate desire to be her friend; showering sympathy, trustfulness, and affection,out of every hole in the watering-pot; when I think of him never wandering in that better mind of his to which unhappiness addressed itself,never bringing the unfortunate King Charles into the garden,never wavering in his grateful service,never diverted from his knowledge that there was something wrong,or from his wish to set it right--I really feel almost ashamed of having known that he was not quite in his wits,taking account of the utmost I have done with mine.
‘Nobody but myself, Trot, knows what that man is!’ my aunt would proudly remark, when we conversed about it. ‘Dick will distinguish himself yet!’
I must refer to one other topic before I close this chapter.While the visit at the Doctor’s was still in progress,I observed that the postman brought two or three letters every morning for Uriah Heep,who remained at Highgate until the rest went back, it being a leisure time;and that these were always directed in a business-like manner by Mr. Micawber,who now assumed a round legal hand. I was glad to infer, from these slight premises, that Mr.Micawber was doing well; and consequently was much surprised to receive, about this time,the following letter from his amiable wife.
‘CANTERBURY, Monday Evening.
‘You will doubtless be surprised, my dear Mr. Copperfield, to receive this communication.Still more so, by its contents. Still more so,by the stipulation of implicit confidence which I beg to impose.But my feelings as a wife and mother require relief;and as I do not wish to consult my family (already obnoxious to the feelings of Mr. Micawber),I know no one of whom I can better ask advice than my friend and former lodger.
‘You may be aware, my dear Mr. Copperfield, that between myself and Mr.Micawber (whom I will never desert), there has always been preserved a spirit of mutual confidence.Mr. Micawber may have occasionally given a bill without consulting me,or he may have misled me as to the period when that obligation would become due.This has actually happened. But, in general, Mr.Micawber has had no secrets from the bosom of affection--I allude to his wife--and has invariably,on our retirement to rest, recalled the events of the day.
‘You will picture to yourself, my dear Mr. Copperfield, what the poignancy of my feelings must be,when I inform you that Mr. Micawber is entirely changed. He is reserved. He is secret.His life is a mystery to the partner of his joys and sorrows--I again allude to his wife--and if I should assure you that beyond knowing that it is passed from morning to night at the office, I now know less of it than I do of the man in the south, connected with whose mouth the thoughtless children repeat an idle tale respecting cold plum porridge, I should adopt a popular fallacy to express an actual fact.
‘But this is not all. Mr. Micawber is morose. He is severe.He is estranged from our eldest son and daughter, he has no pride in his twins,he looks with an eye of coldness even on the unoffending stranger who last became a member of our circle.The pecuniary means of meeting our expenses, kept down to the utmost farthing,are obtained from him with great difficulty,and even under fearful threats that he will Settle himself (the exact expression);and he inexorably refuses to give any explanation whatever of this distracting policy.
‘This is hard to bear. This is heart-breaking. If you will advise me,knowing my feeble powers such as they are,how you think it will be best to exert them in a dilemma so unwonted,you will add another friendly obligation to the many you have already rendered me.With loves from the children, and a smile from the happily-unconscious stranger, I remain, dear Mr. Copperfield,
‘Your afflicted, ‘EMMA MICAWBER.’
I did not feel justified in giving a wife of Mrs. Micawber’s experience any other recommendation,than that she should try to reclaim Mr.Micawber by patience and kindness (as I knew she would in any case);but the letter set me thinking about him very much.
CHAPTER 43. ANOTHER RETROSPECT
Once again, let me pause upon a memorable period of my life. Let me stand aside,to see the phantoms of those days go by me, accompanying the shadow of myself, in dim procession.
Weeks, months, seasons, pass along. They seem little more than a summer day and a winter evening.Now, the Common where I walk with Dora is all in bloom, a field of bright gold;and now the unseen heather lies in mounds and bunches underneath a covering of snow. In a breath,the river that flows through our Sunday walks is sparkling in the summer sun,is ruffled by the winter wind, or thickened with drifting heaps of ice.Faster than ever river ran towards the sea, it flashes, darkens, and rolls away.
Not a thread changes, in the house of the two little bird-like ladies.The clock ticks over the fireplace, the weather-glass hangs in the hall.Neither clock nor weather-glass is ever right; but we believe in both, devoutly.
I have come legally to man’s estate. I have attained the dignity of twenty-one.But this is a sort of dignity that may be thrust upon one. Let me think what I have achieved.
I have tamed that savage stenographic mystery. I make a respectable income by it.I am in high repute for my accomplishment in all pertaining to the art,and am joined with eleven others in reporting the debates in Parliament for a Morning Newspaper.Night after night, I record predictions that never come to pass,professions that are never fulfilled, explanations that are only meant to mystify.I wallow in words. Britannia, that unfortunate female, is always before me, like a trussed fowl:skewered through and through with office-pens, and bound hand and foot with red tape.I am sufficiently behind the scenes to know the worth of political life.I am quite an Infidel about it, and shall never be converted.
My dear old Traddles has tried his hand at the same pursuit, but it is not in Traddles’s way.He is perfectly good-humoured respecting his failure,and reminds me that he always did consider himself slow.He has occasional employment on the same newspaper, in getting up the facts of dry subjects,to be written about and embellished by more fertile minds. He is called to the bar;and with admirable industry and self-denial has scraped another hundred pounds together,to fee a Conveyancer whose chambers he attends.A great deal of very hot port wine was consumed at his call; and, considering the figure,I should think the Inner Temple must have made a profit by it.
I have come out in another way. I have taken with fear and trembling to authorship.I wrote a little something, in secret, and sent it to a magazine,and it was published in the magazine. Since then,I have taken heart to write a good many trifling pieces. Now, I am regularly paid for them.Altogether, I am well off, when I tell my income on the fingers of my left hand,I pass the third finger and take in the fourth to the middle joint.
We have removed, from Buckingham Street, to a pleasant little cottage very near the one I looked at,when my enthusiasm first came on. My aunt, however (who has sold the house at Dover,to good advantage), is not going to remain here,but intends removing herself to a still more tiny cottage close at hand. What does this portend?My marriage?Yes!
Yes!I am going to be married to Dora!Miss Lavinia and Miss Clarissa have given their consent; and if ever canary birds were in a flutter,they are. Miss Lavinia, self-charged with the superintendence of my darling’s wardrobe,is constantly cutting out brown-paper cuirasses,and differing in opinion from a highly respectable young man, with a long bundle,and a yard measure under his arm. A dressmaker,always stabbed in the breast with a needle and thread, boards and lodges in the house;and seems to me, eating, drinking, or sleeping, never to take her thimble off.They make a lay-figure of my dear. They are always sending for her to come and try something on.We can’t be happy together for five minutes in the evening,but some intrusive female knocks at the door, and says, ‘Oh, if you please, Miss Dora, would you step upstairs!’
Miss Clarissa and my aunt roam all over London,to find out articles of furniture for Dora and me to look at.It would be better for them to buy the goods at once, without this ceremony of inspection; for,when we go to see a kitchen fender and meat-screen, Dora sees a Chinese house for Jip,with little bells on the top, and prefers that.And it takes a long time to accustom Jip to his new residence, after we have bought it;whenever he goes in or out, he makes all the little bells ring, and is horribly frightened.
Peggotty comes up to make herself useful, and falls to work immediately.Her department appears to be, to clean everything over and over again.She rubs everything that can be rubbed, until it shines, like her own honest forehead,with perpetual friction. And now it is,that I begin to see her solitary brother passing through the dark streets at night, and looking,as he goes, among the wandering faces. I never speak to him at such an hour. I know too well,as his grave figure passes onward, what he seeks, and what he dreads.
Why does Traddles look so important when he calls upon me this afternoon in the Commons--where I still occasionally attend, for form’s sake, when I have time?The realization of my boyish day-dreams is at hand. I am going to take out the licence.
It is a little document to do so much; and Traddles contemplates it, as it lies upon my desk,half in admiration, half in awe. There are the names, in the sweet old visionary connexion,David Copperfield and Dora Spenlow; and there, in the corner, is that Parental Institution,the Stamp Office, which is so benignantly interested in the various transactions of human life,looking down upon our Union; and there is the Archbishop of Canterbury invoking a blessing on us in print,and doing it as cheap as could possibly be expected.
Nevertheless, I am in a dream, a flustered, happy, hurried dream.I can’t believe that it is going to be;and yet I can’t believe but that everyone I pass in the street, must have some kind of perception,that I am to be married the day after tomorrow. The Surrogate knows me, when I go down to be sworn;and disposes of me easily, as if there were a Masonic understanding between us.Traddles is not at all wanted, but is in attendance as my general backer.
‘I hope the next time you come here, my dear fellow,’ I say to Traddles,‘it will be on the same errand for yourself. And I hope it will be soon.’
‘Thank you for your good wishes, my dear Copperfield,’ he replies. ‘I hope so too.It’s a satisfaction to know that she’ll wait for me any length of time,and that she really is the dearest girl--’
‘When are you to meet her at the coach?’ I ask.
‘At seven,’ says Traddles, looking at his plain old silver watch--the very watch he once took a wheel out of,at school, to make a water-mill. ‘That is about Miss Wickfield’s time, is it not?’
‘A little earlier. Her time is half past eight.’ ‘I assure you, my dear boy,’ says Traddles,‘I am almost as pleased as if I were going to be married myself,to think that this event is coming to such a happy termination.And really the great friendship and consideration of personally associating Sophy with the joyful occasion,and inviting her to be a bridesmaid in conjunction with Miss Wickfield, demands my warmest thanks. I am extremely sensible of it.’
I hear him, and shake hands with him; and we talk, and walk, and dine, and so on;but I don’t believe it. Nothing is real.
Sophy arrives at the house of Dora’s aunts, in due course. She has the most agreeable of faces,--not absolutely beautiful, but extraordinarily pleasant,--and is one of the most genial,unaffected, frank, engaging creatures I have ever seen.Traddles presents her to us with great pride; and rubs his hands for ten minutes by the clock,with every individual hair upon his head standing on tiptoe,when I congratulate him in a corner on his choice.
I have brought Agnes from the Canterbury coach,and her cheerful and beautiful face is among us for the second time.Agnes has a great liking for Traddles, and it is capital to see them meet,and to observe the glory of Traddles as he commends the dearest girl in the world to her acquaintance.
Still I don’t believe it. We have a delightful evening, and are supremely happy;but I don’t believe it yet. I can’t collect myself.I can’t check off my happiness as it takes place. I feel in a misty and unsettled kind of state;as if I had got up very early in the morning a week or two ago, and had never been to bed since.I can’t make out when yesterday was. I seem to have been carrying the licence about, in my pocket, many months.
Next day, too, when we all go in a flock to see the house--our house--Dora’s and mine--I am quite unable to regard myself as its master.I seem to be there, by permission of somebody else.I half expect the real master to come home presently, and say he is glad to see me.Such a beautiful little house as it is, with everything so bright and new;with the flowers on the carpets looking as if freshly gathered,and the green leaves on the paper as if they had just come out; with the spotless muslin curtains,and the blushing rose-coloured furniture,and Dora’s garden hat with the blue ribbon--do I remember, now,how I loved her in such another hat when I first knew her!--already hanging on its little peg; the guitar-case quite at home on its heels in a corner;and everybody tumbling over Jip’s pagoda, which is much too big for the establishment.Another happy evening, quite as unreal as all the rest of it,and I steal into the usual room before going away. Dora is not there.I suppose they have not done trying on yet. Miss Lavinia peeps in,and tells me mysteriously that she will not be long. She is rather long, notwithstanding;but by and by I hear a rustling at the door, and someone taps.
I say, ‘Come in!’ but someone taps again.
I go to the door, wondering who it is; there, I meet a pair of bright eyes, and a blushing face;they are Dora’s eyes and face, and Miss Lavinia has dressed her in tomorrow’s dress,bonnet and all, for me to see. I take my little wife to my heart;and Miss Lavinia gives a little scream because I tumble the bonnet,and Dora laughs and cries at once, because I am so pleased; and I believe it less than ever.
‘Do you think it pretty, Doady?’ says Dora.
Pretty!I should rather think I did.
‘And are you sure you like me very much?’ says Dora.
The topic is fraught with such danger to the bonnet, that Miss Lavinia gives another little scream,and begs me to understand that Dora is only to be looked at, and on no account to be touched.So Dora stands in a delightful state of confusion for a minute or two, to be admired;and then takes off her bonnet--looking so natural without it!--and runs away with it in her hand; and comes dancing down again in her own familiar dress,and asks Jip if I have got a beautiful little wife,and whether he’ll forgive her for being married,and kneels down to make him stand upon the cookery-book, for the last time in her single life.
I go home, more incredulous than ever, to a lodging that I have hard by;and get up very early in the morning, to ride to the Highgate road and fetch my aunt.
I have never seen my aunt in such state. She is dressed in lavender-coloured silk,and has a white bonnet on, and is amazing. Janet has dressed her, and is there to look at me.Peggotty is ready to go to church, intending to behold the ceremony from the gallery. Mr. Dick,who is to give my darling to me at the altar, has had his hair curled. Traddles,whom I have taken up by appointment at the turnpike,presents a dazzling combination of cream colour and light blue; and both he and Mr.Dick have a general effect about them of being all gloves.
No doubt I see this, because I know it is so; but I am astray, and seem to see nothing.Nor do I believe anything whatever. Still, as we drive along in an open carriage,this fairy marriage is real enough to fill me with a sort of wondering pity for the unfortunate people who have no part in it,but are sweeping out the shops, and going to their daily occupations.
My aunt sits with my hand in hers all the way. When we stop a little way short of the church,to put down Peggotty, whom we have brought on the box, she gives it a squeeze, and me a kiss.
‘God bless you, Trot!My own boy never could be dearer. I think of poor dear Baby this morning.’ ‘So do I. And of all I owe to you, dear aunt.’
‘Tut, child!’ says my aunt; and gives her hand in overflowing cordiality to Traddles, who then gives his to Mr.Dick, who then gives his to me, who then gives mine to Traddles, and then we come to the church door.
The church is calm enough, I am sure; but it might be a steam-power loom in full action,for any sedative effect it has on me. I am too far gone for that.
The rest is all a more or less incoherent dream.
A dream of their coming in with Dora; of the pew-opener arranging us, like a drill-sergeant,before the altar rails; of my wondering, even then,why pew-openers must always be the most disagreeable females procurable,and whether there is any religious dread of a disastrous infection of good-humour which renders it indispensable to set those vessels of vinegar upon the road to Heaven.
Of the clergyman and clerk appearing; of a few boatmen and some other people strolling in;of an ancient mariner behind me, strongly flavouring the church with rum;of the service beginning in a deep voice, and our all being very attentive.
Of Miss Lavinia, who acts as a semi-auxiliary bridesmaid, being the first to cry,and of her doing homage (as I take it) to the memory of Pidger, in sobs;of Miss Clarissa applying a smelling-bottle; of Agnes taking care of Dora;of my aunt endeavouring to represent herself as a model of sternness,with tears rolling down her face; of little Dora trembling very much,and making her responses in faint whispers.
Of our kneeling down together, side by side; of Dora’s trembling less and less,but always clasping Agnes by the hand; of the service being got through, quietly and gravely;of our all looking at each other in an April state of smiles and tears, when it is over;of my young wife being hysterical in the vestry, and crying for her poor papa, her dear papa.
Of her soon cheering up again, and our signing the register all round.Of my going into the gallery for Peggotty to bring her to sign it;of Peggotty’s hugging me in a corner, and telling me she saw my own dear mother married; of its being over, and our going away.