At the hour I now speak of she had joined me, under pressure, on the terrace, where,with the lapse of the season, the afternoon sun was now agreeable; and we sat there together while,before us, at a distance, but within call if we wished,the children strolled to and fro in one of their most manageable moods. They moved slowly,in unison, below us, over the lawn, the boy, as they went,reading aloud from a storybook and passing his arm round his sister to keep her quite in touch.Mrs. Grose watched them with positive placidity;then I caught the suppressed intellectual creak with which she conscientiously turned to take from me a view of the back of the tapestry.I had made her a receptacle of lurid things,but there was an odd recognition of my superiority—my accomplishments and my function—in her patience under my pain.She offered her mind to my disclosures as,had I wished to mix a witch’s broth and proposed it with assurance,she would have held out a large clean saucepan.This had become thoroughly her attitude by the time that, in my recital of the events of the night,I reached the point of what Miles had said to me when, after seeing him, at such a monstrous hour,almost on the very spot where he happened now to be, I had gone down to bring him in;choosing then, at the window, with a concentrated need of not alarming the house,rather that method than a signal more resonant.I had left her meanwhile in little doubt of my small hope of representing with success even to her actual sympathy my sense of the real splendor of the little inspiration with which, after I had got him into the house, the boy met my final articulate challenge. As soon as I appeared in the moonlight on the terrace, he had come to me as straight as possible; on which I had taken his hand without a word and led him, through the dark spaces, up the staircase where Quint had so hungrily hovered for him, along the lobby where I had listened and trembled, and so to his forsaken room.
Not a sound, on the way, had passed between us, and I had wondered—oh, _how_ I had wondered!—if he were groping about in his little mind for something plausible and not too grotesque.It would tax his invention, certainly, and I felt, this time, over his real embarrassment,a curious thrill of triumph. It was a sharp trap for the inscrutable!He couldn’t play any longer at innocence; so how the deuce would he get out of it?There beat in me indeed, with the passionate throb of this question an equal dumb appeal as to how the deuce _I_ should.I was confronted at last, as never yet,with all the risk attached even now to sounding my own horrid note.I remember in fact that as we pushed into his little chamber,where the bed had not been slept in at all and the window, uncovered to the moonlight,made the place so clear that there was no need of striking a match—I remember how I suddenly dropped,sank upon the edge of the bed from the force of the idea that he must know how he really,as they say, “had” me. He could do what he liked, with all his cleverness to help him,so long as I should continue to defer to the old tradition of the criminality of those caretakers of the young who minister to superstitions and fears.He “had” me indeed, and in a cleft stick; for who would ever absolve me,who would consent that I should go unhung, if, by the faintest tremor of an overture,I were the first to introduce into our perfect intercourse an element so dire?No, no: it was useless to attempt to convey to Mrs. Grose,just as it is scarcely less so to attempt to suggest here, how, in our short,stiff brush in the dark, he fairly shook me with admiration.I was of course thoroughly kind and merciful; never,never yet had I placed on his little shoulders hands of such tenderness as those with which,while I rested against the bed, I held him there well under fire. I had no alternative but, in form at least, to put it to him.
“You must tell me now—and all the truth. What did you go out for?What were you doing there?”
I can still see his wonderful smile, the whites of his beautiful eyes,and the uncovering of his little teeth shine to me in the dusk. “If I tell you why, will you understand?” My heart, at this, leaped into my mouth. _Would_ he tell me why?I found no sound on my lips to press it, and I was aware of replying only with a vague, repeated,grimacing nod. He was gentleness itself,and while I wagged my head at him he stood there more than ever a little fairy prince.It was his brightness indeed that gave me a respite.Would it be so great if he were really going to tell me?“Well,” he said at last, “just exactly in order that you should do this.”
“Do what?”
“Think me—for a change—_bad!_” I shall never forget the sweetness and gaiety with which he brought out the word, nor how,on top of it, he bent forward and kissed me. It was practically the end of everything.I met his kiss and I had to make, while I folded him for a minute in my arms,the most stupendous effort not to cry. He had given exactly the account of himself that permitted least of my going behind it,and it was only with the effect of confirming my acceptance of it that,as I presently glanced about the room, I could say—
“Then you didn’t undress at all?”
He fairly glittered in the gloom. “Not at all. I sat up and read.”
“And when did you go down?”
“At midnight. When I’m bad I _am_ bad!”
“I see, I see—it’s charming. But how could you be sure I would know it?”
“Oh, I arranged that with Flora.” His answers rang out with a readiness!“She was to get up and look out.”
“Which is what she did do.” It was I who fell into the trap!
“So she disturbed you, and, to see what she was looking at, you also looked—you saw.”
“While you,” I concurred, “caught your death in the night air!”
He literally bloomed so from this exploit that he could afford radiantly to assent.“How otherwise should I have been bad enough?” he asked. Then, after another embrace,the incident and our interview closed on my recognition of all the reserves of goodness that,for his joke, he had been able to draw upon.
XII
The particular impression I had received proved in the morning light, I repeat,not quite successfully presentable to Mrs. Grose,though I reinforced it with the mention of still another remark that he had made before we separated.“It all lies in half a dozen words,” I said to her, “words that really settle the matter. ‘Think, you know, what I _might_ do!’ He threw that off to show me how good he is. He knows down to the ground what he ‘might’ do.That’s what he gave them a taste of at school.”
“Lord, you do change!” cried my friend.
“I don’t change—I simply make it out. The four, depend upon it, perpetually meet.If on either of these last nights you had been with either child,you would clearly have understood. The more I’ve watched and waited the more I’ve felt that if there were nothing else to make it sure it would be made so by the systematic silence of each. _Never_, by a slip of the tongue, have they so much as alluded to either of their old friends, any more than Miles has alluded to his expulsion. Oh, yes, we may sit here and look at them, and they may show off to us there to their fill; but even while they pretend to be lost in their fairytale they’re steeped in their vision of the dead restored. He’s not reading to her,” I declared; “they’re talking of _them_—they’re talking horrors!I go on, I know, as if I were crazy; and it’s a wonder I’m not.What I’ve seen would have made _you_ so; but it has only made me more lucid,made me get hold of still other things.”
My lucidity must have seemed awful, but the charming creatures who were victims of it,passing and repassing in their interlocked sweetness, gave my colleague something to hold on by;and I felt how tight she held as, without stirring in the breath of my passion,she covered them still with her eyes. “Of what other things have you got hold?”
“Why, of the very things that have delighted, fascinated, and yet, at bottom,as I now so strangely see, mystified and troubled me. Their more than earthly beauty,their absolutely unnatural goodness. It’s a game,” I went on; “it’s a policy and a fraud!”
“On the part of little darlings—?”
“As yet mere lovely babies?Yes, mad as that seems!” The very act of bringing it out really helped me to trace it—follow it all up and piece it all together.“They haven’t been good—they’ve only been absent. It has been easy to live with them,because they’re simply leading a life of their own. They’re not mine—they’re not ours. They’re his and they’re hers!”
“Quint’s and that woman’s?”
“Quint’s and that woman’s. They want to get to them.”
Oh, how, at this, poor Mrs. Grose appeared to study them!“But for what?”
“For the love of all the evil that, in those dreadful days, the pair put into them.And to ply them with that evil still, to keep up the work of demons, is what brings the others back.”
“Laws!” said my friend under her breath. The exclamation was homely,but it revealed a real acceptance of my further proof of what,in the bad time—for there had been a worse even than this!—must have occurred. There could have been no such justification for me as the plain assent of her experience to whatever depth of depravity I found credible in our brace of scoundrels. It was in obvious submission of memory that she brought out after a moment: “They _were_ rascals!But what can they now do?” she pursued.
“Do?” I echoed so loud that Miles and Flora, as they passed at their distance,paused an instant in their walk and looked at us. “Don’t they do enough?” I demanded in a lower tone, while the children, having smiled and nodded and kissed hands to us,resumed their exhibition. We were held by it a minute; then I answered: “They can destroy them!” At this my companion did turn, but the inquiry she launched was a silent one,the effect of which was to make me more explicit. “They don’t know, as yet,quite how—but they’re trying hard. They’re seen only across, as it were,and beyond—in strange places and on high places, the top of towers, the roof of houses,the outside of windows, the further edge of pools; but there’s a deep design, on either side,to shorten the distance and overcome the obstacle;and the success of the tempters is only a question of time.They’ve only to keep to their suggestions of danger.”
“For the children to come?”
“And perish in the attempt!” Mrs. Grose slowly got up, and I scrupulously added: “Unless, of course, we can prevent!”
Standing there before me while I kept my seat, she visibly turned things over.“Their uncle must do the preventing. He must take them away.”
“And who’s to make him?”
She had been scanning the distance, but she now dropped on me a foolish face. “You, miss.”
“By writing to him that his house is poisoned and his little nephew and niece mad?”
“But if they _are_, miss?”
“And if I am myself, you mean?That’s charming news to be sent him by a governess whose prime undertaking was to give him no worry. ”
Mrs. Grose considered, following the children again. “Yes, he do hate worry. That was the great reason—”
“Why those fiends took him in so long?No doubt, though his indifference must have been awful. As I’m not a fiend, at any rate, I shouldn’t take him in.”
My companion, after an instant and for all answer, sat down again and grasped my arm. “Make him at any rate come to you.”
I stared. “To _me?_” I had a sudden fear of what she might do. “‘Him’?”
“He ought to _be_ here—he ought to help.”
I quickly rose, and I think I must have shown her a queerer face than ever yet. “You see me asking him for a visit?” No, with her eyes on my face she evidently couldn’t.Instead of it even—as a woman reads another—she could see what I myself saw: his derision,his amusement, his contempt for the breakdown of my resignation at being left alone and for the fine machinery I had set in motion to attract his attention to my slighted charms. She didn’t know—no one knew—how proud I had been to serve him and to stick to our terms; yet she nonetheless took the measure, I think, of the warning I now gave her. “If you should so lose your head as to appeal to him for me—”
She was really frightened. “Yes, miss?”
“I would leave, on the spot, both him and you.”
XIII
It was all very well to join them, but speaking to them proved quite as much as ever an effort beyond my strength—offered,in close quarters, difficulties as insurmountable as before. This situation continued a month,and with new aggravations and particular notes, the note above all, sharper and sharper,of the small ironic consciousness on the part of my pupils. It was not,I am as sure today as I was sure then, my mere infernal imagination:it was absolutely traceable that they were aware of my predicament and that this strange relation made,in a manner, for a long time, the air in which we moved.I don’t mean that they had their tongues in their cheeks or did anything vulgar,for that was not one of their dangers: I do mean, on the other hand,that the element of the unnamed and untouched became, between us, greater than any other,and that so much avoidance could not have been so successfully effected without a great deal of tacit arrangement.It was as if, at moments, we were perpetually coming into sight of subjects before which we must stop short,turning suddenly out of alleys that we perceived to be blind,closing with a little bang that made us look at each other—for, like all bangs,it was something louder than we had intended—the doors we had indiscreetly opened.All roads lead to Rome, and there were times when it might have struck us that almost every branch of study or subject of conversation skirted forbidden ground. Forbidden ground was the question of the return of the dead in general and of whatever, in especial, might survive, in memory, of the friends little children had lost. There were days when I could have sworn that one of them had, with a small invisible nudge, said to the other: “She thinks she’ll do it this time—but she _won’t!_” To “do it” would have been to indulge for instance—and for once in a way—in some direct reference to the lady who had prepared them for my discipline.They had a delightful endless appetite for passages in my own history,to which I had again and again treated them;they were in possession of everything that had ever happened to me, had had,with every circumstance the story of my smallest adventures and of those of my brothers and sisters and of the cat and the dog at home,as well as many particulars of the eccentric nature of my father,of the furniture and arrangement of our house,and of the conversation of the old women of our village. There were things enough,taking one with another, to chatter about,if one went very fast and knew by instinct when to go round.They pulled with an art of their own the strings of my invention and my memory;and nothing else perhaps, when I thought of such occasions afterward,gave me so the suspicion of being watched from under cover. It was in any case over _my_ life,_my_ past, and _my_ friends alone that we could take anything like our ease—a state of affairs that led them sometimes without the least pertinence to break out into sociable reminders. I was invited—with no visible connection—to repeat afresh Goody Gosling’s celebrated _mot_ or to confirm the details already supplied as to the cleverness of the vicarage pony.
It was partly at such junctures as these and partly at quite different ones that,with the turn my matters had now taken, my predicament, as I have called it, grew most sensible.The fact that the days passed for me without another encounter ought, it would have appeared,to have done something toward soothing my nerves. Since the light brush,that second night on the upper landing, of the presence of a woman at the foot of the stair,I had seen nothing, whether in or out of the house, that one had better not have seen.There was many a corner round which I expected to come upon Quint, and many a situation that,in a merely sinister way, would have favored the appearance of Miss Jessel. The summer had turned,the summer had gone; the autumn had dropped upon Bly and had blown out half our lights. The place,with its gray sky and withered garlands, its bared spaces and scattered dead leaves,was like a theater after the performance—all strewn with crumpled playbills.There were exactly states of the air, conditions of sound and of stillness,unspeakable impressions of the _kind_ of ministering moment, that brought back to me,long enough to catch it, the feeling of the medium in which, that June evening out of doors,I had had my first sight of Quint, and in which, too, at those other instants, I had,after seeing him through the window, looked for him in vain in the circle of shrubbery.I recognized the signs, the portents—I recognized the moment, the spot.But they remained unaccompanied and empty, and I continued unmolested;if unmolested one could call a young woman whose sensibility had,in the most extraordinary fashion, not declined but deepened. I had said in my talk with Mrs.Grose on that horrid scene of Flora’s by the lake—and had perplexed her by so saying—that it would from that moment distress me much more to lose my power than to keep it. I had then expressed what was vividly in my mind: the truth that, whether the children really saw or not—since, that is, it was not yet definitely proved—I greatly preferred, as a safeguard, the fullness of my own exposure. I was ready to know the very worst that was to be known. What I had then had an ugly glimpse of was that my eyes might be sealed just while theirs were most opened. Well, my eyes _were_ sealed, it appeared, at present—a consummation for which it seemed blasphemous not to thank God. There was, alas, a difficulty about that: I would have thanked him with all my soul had I not had in a proportionate measure this conviction of the secret of my pupils.
How can I retrace today the strange steps of my obsession?There were times of our being together when I would have been ready to swear that, literally,in my presence, but with my direct sense of it closed,they had visitors who were known and were welcome. Then it was that,had I not been deterred by the very chance that such an injury might prove greater than the injury to be averted,my exultation would have broken out. “They’re here, they’re here, you little wretches,” I would have cried, “and you can’t deny it now!” The little wretches denied it with all the added volume of their sociability and their tenderness,in just the crystal depths of which—like the flash of a fish in a stream—the mockery of their advantage peeped up.The shock, in truth, had sunk into me still deeper than I knew on the night when,looking out to see either Quint or Miss Jessel under the stars,I had beheld the boy over whose rest I watched and who had immediately brought in with him—had straightway,there, turned it on me—the lovely upward look with which, from the battlements above me,the hideous apparition of Quint had played. If it was a question of a scare,my discovery on this occasion had scared me more than any other,and it was in the condition of nerves produced by it that I made my actual inductions.They harassed me so that sometimes, at odd moments,I shut myself up audibly to rehearse—it was at once a fantastic relief and a renewed despair—the manner in which I might come to the point.I approached it from one side and the other while, in my room, I flung myself about,but I always broke down in the monstrous utterance of names. As they died away on my lips,I said to myself that I should indeed help them to represent something infamous, if,by pronouncing them, I should violate as rare a little case of instinctive delicacy as any schoolroom,probably, had ever known. When I said to myself: “_They_ have the manners to be silent, and you,trusted as you are, the baseness to speak!” I felt myself crimson and I covered my face with my hands.After these secret scenes I chattered more than ever,going on volubly enough till one of our prodigious,palpable hushes occurred—I can call them nothing else—the strange, dizzy lift or swim (I try for terms!) into a stillness, a pause of all life,that had nothing to do with the more or less noise that at the moment we might be engaged in making and that I could hear through any deepened exhilaration or quickened recitation or louder strum of the piano. Then it was that the others, the outsiders, were there. Though they were not angels, they “passed,” as the French say, causing me, while they stayed, to tremble with the fear of their addressing to their younger victims some yet more infernal message or more vivid image than they had thought good enough for myself.
What it was most impossible to get rid of was the cruel idea that, whatever I had seen,Miles and Flora saw _more_—things terrible and unguessable and that sprang from dreadful passages of intercourse in the past.Such things naturally left on the surface, for the time,a chill which we vociferously denied that we felt; and we had, all three, with repetition,got into such splendid training that we went, each time, almost automatically,to mark the close of the incident, through the very same movements.It was striking of the children, at all events,to kiss me inveterately with a kind of wild irrelevance and never to fail—one or the other—of the precious question that had helped us through many a peril. “When do you think he _will_ come?Don’t you think we _ought_ to write?”—there was nothing like that inquiry, we found by experience, for carrying off an awkwardness.“He” of course was their uncle in Harley Street;and we lived in much profusion of theory that he might at any moment arrive to mingle in our circle.It was impossible to have given less encouragement than he had done to such a doctrine,but if we had not had the doctrine to fall back upon we should have deprived each other of some of our finest exhibitions.He never wrote to them—that may have been selfish,but it was a part of the flattery of his trust of me;for the way in which a man pays his highest tribute to a woman is apt to be but by the more festal celebration of one of the sacred laws of his comfort;and I held that I carried out the spirit of the pledge given not to appeal to him when I let my charges understand that their own letters were but charming literary exercises. They were too beautiful to be posted; I kept them myself; I have them all to this hour. This was a rule indeed which only added to the satiric effect of my being plied with the supposition that he might at any moment be among us. It was exactly as if my charges knew how almost more awkward than anything else that might be for me. There appears to me, moreover, as I look back, no note in all this more extraordinary than the mere fact that, in spite of my tension and of their triumph, I never lost patience with them. Adorable they must in truth have been, I now reflect, that I didn’t in these days hate them!Would exasperation, however, if relief had longer been postponed, finally have betrayed me?It little matters, for relief arrived. I call it relief,though it was only the relief that a snap brings to a strain or the burst of a thunderstorm to a day of suffocation.It was at least change, and it came with a rush.
XIV
Walking to church a certain Sunday morning, I had little Miles at my side and his sister,in advance of us and at Mrs. Grose’s, well in sight. It was a crisp, clear day,the first of its order for some time; the night had brought a touch of frost, and the autumn air,bright and sharp, made the church bells almost gay.It was an odd accident of thought that I should have happened at such a moment to be particularly and very gratefully struck with the obedience of my little charges. Why did they never resent my inexorable, my perpetual society?Something or other had brought nearer home to me that I had all but pinned the boy to my shawl and that,in the way our companions were marshaled before me,I might have appeared to provide against some danger of rebellion.I was like a gaoler with an eye to possible surprises and escapes.But all this belonged—I mean their magnificent little surrender—just to the special array of the facts that were most abysmal.Turned out for Sunday by his uncle’s tailor,who had had a free hand and a notion of pretty waistcoats and of his grand little air,Miles’s whole title to independence, the rights of his sex and situation,were so stamped upon him that if he had suddenly struck for freedom I should have had nothing to say.I was by the strangest of chances wondering how I should meet him when the revolution unmistakably occurred.I call it a revolution because I now see how, with the word he spoke,the curtain rose on the last act of my dreadful drama, and the catastrophe was precipitated.“Look here, my dear, you know,” he charmingly said, “when in the world, please, am I going back to school?”
Transcribed here the speech sounds harmless enough, particularly as uttered in the sweet, high,casual pipe with which, at all interlocutors, but above all at his eternal governess,he threw off intonations as if he were tossing roses.There was something in them that always made one “catch,” and I caught, at any rate,now so effectually that I stopped as short as if one of the trees of the park had fallen across the road.There was something new, on the spot, between us, and he was perfectly aware that I recognized it,though, to enable me to do so, he had no need to look a whit less candid and charming than usual.I could feel in him how he already, from my at first finding nothing to reply,perceived the advantage he had gained. I was so slow to find anything that he had plenty of time,after a minute, to continue with his suggestive but inconclusive smile: “You know, my dear,that for a fellow to be with a lady _always_—!” His “my dear” was constantly on his lips for me,and nothing could have expressed more the exact shade of the sentiment with which I desired to inspire my pupils than its fond familiarity. It was so respectfully easy.
But, oh, how I felt that at present I must pick my own phrases!I remember that, to gain time, I tried to laugh,and I seemed to see in the beautiful face with which he watched me how ugly and queer I looked. “And always with the same lady?” I returned.
He neither blanched nor winked. The whole thing was virtually out between us. “Ah, of course,she’s a jolly, ‘perfect’ lady; but, after all, I’m a fellow, don’t you see?that’s—well, getting on.”
I lingered there with him an instant ever so kindly. “Yes, you’re getting on.” Oh, but I felt helpless!
I have kept to this day the heartbreaking little idea of how he seemed to know that and to play with it.“And you can’t say I’ve not been awfully good, can you?”
I laid my hand on his shoulder, for, though I felt how much better it would have been to walk on,I was not yet quite able. “No, I can’t say that, Miles.”
“Except just that one night, you know—!”
“That one night?” I couldn’t look as straight as he.
“Why, when I went down—went out of the house.”
“Oh, yes. But I forget what you did it for.”
“You forget?”—he spoke with the sweet extravagance of childish reproach. “Why, it was to show you I could!”
“Oh, yes, you could.”
“And I can again.”
I felt that I might, perhaps, after all, succeed in keeping my wits about me. “Certainly. But you won’t.”
“No, not _that_ again. It was nothing.”
“It was nothing,” I said. “But we must go on.”
He resumed our walk with me, passing his hand into my arm. “Then when _am_ I going back?”
I wore, in turning it over, my most responsible air. “Were you very happy at school?”
He just considered. “Oh, I’m happy enough anywhere!”
“Well, then,” I quavered, “if you’re just as happy here—!”
“Ah, but that isn’t everything!Of course _you_ know a lot—”
“But you hint that you know almost as much?” I risked as he paused.
“Not half I want to!” Miles honestly professed. “But it isn’t so much that.”
“What is it, then?”
“Well—I want to see more life.”
“I see; I see.” We had arrived within sight of the church and of various persons,including several of the household of Bly,on their way to it and clustered about the door to see us go in. I quickened our step;I wanted to get there before the question between us opened up much further;I reflected hungrily that, for more than an hour, he would have to be silent;and I thought with envy of the comparative dusk of the pew and of the almost spiritual help of the hassock on which I might bend my knees.I seemed literally to be running a race with some confusion to which he was about to reduce me,but I felt that he had got in first when, before we had even entered the churchyard, he threw out—
“I want my own sort!”
It literally made me bound forward. “There are not many of your own sort, Miles!” I laughed. “Unless perhaps dear little Flora!”
“You really compare me to a baby girl?”
This found me singularly weak. “Don’t you, then, _love_ our sweet Flora?”
“If I didn’t—and you, too; if I didn’t—!” he repeated as if retreating for a jump, yet leaving his thought so unfinished that,after we had come into the gate, another stop, which he imposed on me by the pressure of his arm,had become inevitable. Mrs. Grose and Flora had passed into the church,the other worshippers had followed, and we were, for the minute, alone among the old, thick graves.We had paused, on the path from the gate, by a low, oblong, tablelike tomb.
“Yes, if you didn’t—?”