“It’s my secret. But if you will not mock at me,I’ll explain it: I can’t do it distinctly;but I’ll give you a feeling of how I feel.”
She seated herself by me again:her countenance grew sadder and graver,and her clasped hands trembled.
“Nelly, do you never dream queer dreams?” she said, suddenly, after some minutes’ reflection.
“Yes, now and then,” I answered.
“And so do I. I’ve dreamt in my life dreams that have stayed with me ever after,and changed my ideas:they’ve gone through and through me,like wine through water,and altered the colour of my mind. And this is one:I’m going to tell it—but take care not to smile at any part of it. ”
“Oh!don’t, Miss Catherine!” I cried. “We’re dismal enough without conjuring up ghosts and visions to perplex us. Come, come, be merry and like yourself!Look at little Hareton!_he’s_ dreaming nothing dreary.How sweetly he smiles in his sleep!”
“Yes; and how sweetly his father curses in his solitude!You remember him, I daresay,when he was just such another as that chubby thing:nearly as young and innocent. However, Nelly,I shall oblige you to listen: it’s not long;and I’ve no power to be merry to-night.”
“I won’t hear it, I won’t hear it!” I repeated, hastily.
I was superstitious about dreams then, and am still;and Catherine had an unusual gloom in her aspect,that made me dread something from which I might shape a prophecy,and foresee a fearful catastrophe. She was vexed,but she did not proceed.Apparently taking up another subject,she recommenced in a short time.
“If I were in heaven, Nelly,I should be extremely miserable.”
“Because you are not fit to go there,” I answered.“All sinners would be miserable in heaven.”
“But it is not for that. I dreamt once that I was there. ”
“I tell you I won’t hearken to your dreams, Miss Catherine!I’ll go to bed,” I interrupted again.
She laughed, and held me down;for I made a motion to leave my chair.
“This is nothing,” cried she:“I was only going to say that heaven did not seem to be my home;and I broke my heart with weeping to come back to earth;and the angels were so angry that they flung me out into the middle of the heath on the top of Wuthering Heights; where I woke sobbing for joy. That will do to explain my secret, as well as the other. I’ve no more business to marry Edgar Linton than I have to be in heaven; and if the wicked man in there had not brought Heathcliff so low, I shouldn’t have thought of it. It would degrade me to marry Heathcliff now; so he shall never know how I love him: and that, not because he’s handsome, Nelly, but because he’s more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same; and Linton’s is as different as a moonbeam from lightning, or frost from fire.”
Ere this speech ended I became sensible of Heathcliff’s presence.Having noticed a slight movement, I turned my head,and saw him rise from the bench,and steal out noiselessly.He had listened till he heard Catherine say it would degrade her to marry him,and then he stayed to hear no further. My companion,sitting on the ground,was prevented by the back of the settle from remarking his presence or departure; but I started, and bade her hush!
“Why?” she asked, gazing nervously round.
“Joseph is here,” I answered,catching opportunely the roll of his cartwheels up the road;“and Heathcliff will come in with him.I’m not sure whether he were not at the door this moment. ”
“Oh, he couldn’t overhear me at the door!” said she. “Give me Hareton, while you get the supper,and when it is ready ask me to sup with you.I want to cheat my uncomfortable conscience,and be convinced that Heathcliff has no notion of these things. He has not, has he?He does not know what being in love is!”
“I see no reason that he should not know,as well as you,” I returned;“and if _you_ are his choice,he’ll be the most unfortunate creature that ever was born!As soon as you become Mrs. Linton, he loses friend, and love, and all!Have you considered how you’ll bear the separation,and how he’ll bear to be quite deserted in the world?Because, Miss Catherine—”
“He quite deserted!we separated!” she exclaimed, with an accent of indignation.“Who is to separate us, pray?They’ll meet the fate of Milo!Not as long as I live, Ellen: for no mortal creature.Every Linton on the face of the earth might melt into nothing before I could consent to forsake Heathcliff. Oh, that’s not what I intend—that’s not what I mean!I shouldn’t be Mrs. Linton were such a price demanded!He’ll be as much to me as he has been all his lifetime.Edgar must shake off his antipathy, and tolerate him,at least. He will, when he learns my true feelings towards him.Nelly, I see now you think me a selfish wretch;but did it never strike you that if Heathcliff and I married,we should be beggars?whereas, if I marry Linton I can aid Heathcliff to rise,and place him out of my brother’s power.”
“With your husband’s money, Miss Catherine?” I asked. “You’ll find him not so pliable as you calculate upon:and, though I’m hardly a judge,I think that’s the worst motive you’ve given yet for being the wife of young Linton.”
“It is not,” retorted she; “it is the best!The others were the satisfaction of my whims:and for Edgar’s sake, too, to satisfy him.This is for the sake of one who comprehends in his person my feelings to Edgar and myself. I cannot express it; but surely you and everybody have a notion that there is or should be an existence of yours beyond you. What were the use of my creation, if I were entirely contained here?My great miseries in this world have been Heathcliff’s miseries,and I watched and felt each from the beginning:my great thought in living is himself.If all else perished, and _he_ remained,_I_ should still continue to be;and if all else remained, and he were annihilated,the universe would turn to a mighty stranger:I should not seem a part of it.My love for Linton is like the foliage in the woods:time will change it, I’m well aware,as winter changes the trees.My love for Heathcliff resembles the eternal rocks beneath:a source of little visible delight, but necessary.Nelly, I _am_ Heathcliff!He’s always, always in my mind: not as a pleasure,any more than I am always a pleasure to myself,but as my own being.So don’t talk of our separation again:it is impracticable; and—”
She paused, and hid her face in the folds of my gown;but I jerked it forcibly away.I was out of patience with her folly!
“If I can make any sense of your nonsense, Miss,” I said, “it only goes to convince me that you are ignorant of the duties you undertake in marrying; or else that you are a wicked, unprincipled girl. But trouble me with no more secrets: I’ll not promise to keep them.”
“You’ll keep that?” she asked, eagerly.
“No, I’ll not promise,” I repeated.
She was about to insist,when the entrance of Joseph finished our conversation;and Catherine removed her seat to a corner,and nursed Hareton, while I made the supper.After it was cooked,my fellow-servant and I began to quarrel who should carry some to Mr.Hindley; and we didn’t settle it till all was nearly cold.Then we came to the agreement that we would let him ask,if he wanted any; for we feared particularly to go into his presence when he had been some time alone.
“And how isn’t that nowt comed in fro’ th’ field, be this time?What is he about?girt idle seeght!” demanded the old man, looking round for Heathcliff.
“I’ll call him,” I replied. “He’s in the barn, I’ve no doubt.”