“Five minutes ago Hareton seemed a personification of my youth,not a human being; I felt to him in such a variety of ways,that it would have been impossible to have accosted him rationally.In the first place,his startling likeness to Catherine connected him fearfully with her.That, however, which you may suppose the most potent to arrest my imagination,is actually the least:for what is not connected with her to me?and what does not recall her?I cannot look down to this floor,but her features are shaped in the flags!In every cloud, in every tree—filling the air at night,and caught by glimpses in every object by day—I am surrounded with her image!The most ordinary faces of men and women—my own features—mock me with a resemblance. The entire world is a dreadful collection of memoranda that she did exist, and that I have lost her!Well, Hareton’s aspect was the ghost of my immortal love;of my wild endeavours to hold my right; my degradation,my pride, my happiness, and my anguish—
“But it is frenzy to repeat these thoughts to you:only it will let you know why,with a reluctance to be always alone,his society is no benefit;rather an aggravation of the constant torment I suffer:and it partly contributes to render me regardless how he and his cousin go on together. I can give them no attention any more.”
“But what do you mean by a _change_, Mr. Heathcliff?” I said, alarmed at his manner:though he was neither in danger of losing his senses,nor dying, according to my judgment:he was quite strong and healthy; and, as to his reason,from childhood he had a delight in dwelling on dark things,and entertaining odd fancies.He might have had a monomania on the subject of his departed idol;but on every other point his wits were as sound as mine.
“I shall not know that till it comes,” he said;“I’m only half conscious of it now.”
“You have no feeling of illness, have you?” I asked.
“No, Nelly, I have not,” he answered.
“Then you are not afraid of death?” I pursued.
“Afraid?No!” he replied. “I have neither a fear,nor a presentiment, nor a hope of death. Why should I?With my hard constitution and temperate mode of living,and unperilous occupations, I ought to,and probably _shall_,remain above ground till there is scarcely a black hair on my head.And yet I cannot continue in this condition!I have to remind myself to breathe—almost to remind my heart to beat!And it is like bending back a stiff spring:it is by compulsion that I do the slightest act not prompted by one thought;and by compulsion that I notice anything alive or dead,which is not associated with one universal idea.I have a single wish,and my whole being and faculties are yearning to attain it.They have yearned towards it so long,and so unwaveringly,that I’m convinced it _will_ be reached—and _soon_—because it has devoured my existence: I am swallowed up in the anticipation of its fulfilment. My confessions have not relieved me; but they may account for some otherwise unaccountable phases of humour which I show. O God!It is a long fight; I wish it were over!”
He began to pace the room,muttering terrible things to himself,till I was inclined to believe, as he said Joseph did,that conscience had turned his heart to an earthly hell.I wondered greatly how it would end.Though he seldom before had revealed this state of mind,even by looks, it was his habitual mood,I had no doubt: he asserted it himself; but not a soul,from his general bearing,would have conjectured the fact.You did not when you saw him, Mr. Lockwood:and at the period of which I speak,he was just the same as then;only fonder of continued solitude,and perhaps still more laconic in company.
CHAPTER XXXIV
For some days after that evening, Mr.Heathcliff shunned meeting us at meals;yet he would not consent formally to exclude Hareton and Cathy.He had an aversion to yielding so completely to his feelings,choosing rather to absent himself;and eating once in twenty-four hours seemed sufficient sustenance for him.
One night, after the family were in bed,I heard him go downstairs, and out at the front door.I did not hear him re-enter,and in the morning I found he was still away.We were in April then: the weather was sweet and warm,the grass as green as showers and sun could make it,and the two dwarf apple-trees near the southern wall in full bloom.After breakfast, Catherine insisted on my bringing a chair and sitting with my work under the fir-trees at the end of the house; and she beguiled Hareton, who had perfectly recovered from his accident, to dig and arrange her little garden, which was shifted to that corner by the influence of Joseph’s complaints. I was comfortably revelling in the spring fragrance around, and the beautiful soft blue overhead, when my young lady, who had run down near the gate to procure some primrose roots for a border, returned only half laden, and informed us that Mr. Heathcliff was coming in. “And he spoke to me,” she added, with a perplexed countenance.
“What did he say?” asked Hareton.
“He told me to begone as fast as I could,” she answered.“But he looked so different from his usual look that I stopped a moment to stare at him.”
“How?” he inquired.
“Why, almost bright and cheerful. No,_almost_ nothing—_very much_ excited, and wild, and glad!” she replied.
“Night-walking amuses him, then,” I remarked,affecting a careless manner:in reality as surprised as she was,and anxious to ascertain the truth of her statement;for to see the master looking glad would not be an every-day spectacle.I framed an excuse to go in.Heathcliff stood at the open door; he was pale,and he trembled: yet, certainly,he had a strange joyful glitter in his eyes,that altered the aspect of his whole face.
“Will you have some breakfast?” I said. “You must be hungry, rambling about all night!” I wanted to discover where he had been,but I did not like to ask directly.
“No, I’m not hungry,” he answered, averting his head,and speaking rather contemptuously,as if he guessed I was trying to divine the occasion of his good humour.
I felt perplexed: I didn’t know whether it were not a proper opportunity to offer a bit of admonition.
“I don’t think it right to wander out of doors,” I observed, “instead of being in bed: it is not wise,at any rate this moist season.I daresay you’ll catch a bad cold, or a fever:you have something the matter with you now!”
“Nothing but what I can bear,” he replied;“and with the greatest pleasure,provided you’ll leave me alone: get in,and don’t annoy me.”