Mr. and Mrs. Pocket had a toady neighbour;a widow lady of that highly sympathetic nature that she agreed with everybody,blessed everybody, and shed smiles and tears on everybody,according to circumstances. This lady’s name was Mrs.Coiler, and I had the honour of taking her down to dinner on the day of my installation. She gave me to understand on the stairs, that it was a blow to dear Mrs. Pocket that dear Mr. Pocket should be under the necessity of receiving gentlemen to read with him. That did not extend to me, she told me in a gush of love and confidence (at that time, I had known her something less than five minutes); if they were all like Me, it would be quite another thing.
“But dear Mrs. Pocket,” said Mrs. Coiler,“after her early disappointment (not that dear Mr.Pocket was to blame in that),requires so much luxury and elegance—”
“Yes, ma’am,” I said, to stop her,for I was afraid she was going to cry.
“And she is of so aristocratic a disposition—”
“Yes, ma’am,” I said again,with the same object as before.
“—That it _is_ hard,” said Mrs. Coiler,“to have dear Mr. Pocket’s time and attention diverted from dear Mrs. Pocket.”
I could not help thinking that it might be harder if the butcher’s time and attention were diverted from dear Mrs. Pocket; but I said nothing, and indeed had enough to do in keeping a bashful watch upon my company manners.
It came to my knowledge,through what passed between Mrs.Pocket and Drummle while I was attentive to my knife and fork,spoon, glasses, and other instruments of self-destruction,that Drummle, whose Christian name was Bentley,was actually the next heir but one to a baronetcy.It further appeared that the book I had seen Mrs.Pocket reading in the garden was all about titles,and that she knew the exact date at which her grandpapa would have come into the book, if he ever had come at all. Drummle didn’t say much, but in his limited way (he struck me as a sulky kind of fellow) he spoke as one of the elect, and recognised Mrs. Pocket as a woman and a sister. No one but themselves and Mrs. Coiler the toady neighbour showed any interest in this part of the conversation, and it appeared to me that it was painful to Herbert; but it promised to last a long time, when the page came in with the announcement of a domestic affliction. It was, in effect, that the cook had mislaid the beef. To my unutterable amazement, I now, for the first time, saw Mr. Pocket relieve his mind by going through a performance that struck me as very extraordinary, but which made no impression on anybody else, and with which I soon became as familiar as the rest. He laid down the carving-knife and fork,—being engaged in carving, at the moment,—put his two hands into his disturbed hair, and appeared to make an extraordinary effort to lift himself up by it. When he had done this, and had not lifted himself up at all, he quietly went on with what he was about.
Mrs. Coiler then changed the subject and began to flatter me.I liked it for a few moments,but she flattered me so very grossly that the pleasure was soon over.She had a serpentine way of coming close at me when she pretended to be vitally interested in the friends and localities I had left, which was altogether snaky and fork-tongued; and when she made an occasional bounce upon Startop (who said very little to her), or upon Drummle (who said less), I rather envied them for being on the opposite side of the table.
After dinner the children were introduced, and Mrs.Coiler made admiring comments on their eyes, noses,and legs,—a sagacious way of improving their minds.There were four little girls, and two little boys,besides the baby who might have been either,and the baby’s next successor who was as yet neither.They were brought in by Flopson and Millers,much as though those two non-commissioned officers had been recruiting somewhere for children and had enlisted these, while Mrs. Pocket looked at the young Nobles that ought to have been as if she rather thought she had had the pleasure of inspecting them before, but didn’t quite know what to make of them.
“Here!Give me your fork, Mum, and take the baby,” said Flopson. “Don’t take it that way,or you’ll get its head under the table.”
Thus advised, Mrs. Pocket took it the other way,and got its head upon the table;which was announced to all present by a prodigious concussion.
“Dear, dear!Give it me back, Mum,” said Flopson; “and Miss Jane,come and dance to baby, do!”
One of the little girls,a mere mite who seemed to have prematurely taken upon herself some charge of the others, stepped out of her place by me, and danced to and from the baby until it left off crying, and laughed. Then, all the children laughed, and Mr. Pocket (who in the meantime had twice endeavoured to lift himself up by the hair) laughed, and we all laughed and were glad.
Flopson, by dint of doubling the baby at the joints like a Dutch doll,then got it safely into Mrs. Pocket’s lap,and gave it the nut-crackers to play with;at the same time recommending Mrs.Pocket to take notice that the handles of that instrument were not likely to agree with its eyes, and sharply charging Miss Jane to look after the same. Then, the two nurses left the room, and had a lively scuffle on the staircase with a dissipated page who had waited at dinner, and who had clearly lost half his buttons at the gaming-table.
I was made very uneasy in my mind by Mrs.Pocket’s falling into a discussion with Drummle respecting two baronetcies,while she ate a sliced orange steeped in sugar and wine,and, forgetting all about the baby on her lap,who did most appalling things with the nut-crackers.At length little Jane,perceiving its young brains to be imperilled,softly left her place,and with many small artifices coaxed the dangerous weapon away.Mrs. Pocket finishing her orange at about the same time,and not approving of this, said to Jane,—
“You naughty child, how dare you?Go and sit down this instant!”
“Mamma dear,” lisped the little girl,“baby ood have put hith eyeth out.”
“How dare you tell me so?” retorted Mrs. Pocket.“Go and sit down in your chair this moment!”
Mrs. Pocket’s dignity was so crushing,that I felt quite abashed,as if I myself had done something to rouse it.
“Belinda,” remonstrated Mr. Pocket,from the other end of the table,“how can you be so unreasonable?Jane only interfered for the protection of baby.”
“I will not allow anybody to interfere,” said Mrs.Pocket. “I am surprised, Matthew,that you should expose me to the affront of interference. ”
“Good God!” cried Mr. Pocket, in an outbreak of desolate desperation.“Are infants to be nut-crackered into their tombs,and is nobody to save them?”
“I will not be interfered with by Jane,” said Mrs.Pocket, with a majestic glance at that innocent little offender.“I hope I know my poor grandpapa’s position. Jane, indeed!”
Mr. Pocket got his hands in his hair again,and this time really did lift himself some inches out of his chair. “Hear this!” he helplessly exclaimed to the elements.“Babies are to be nut-crackered dead,for people’s poor grandpapa’s positions!” Then he let himself down again, and became silent.
We all looked awkwardly at the tablecloth while this was going on.A pause succeeded, during which the honest and irrepressible baby made a series of leaps and crows at little Jane, who appeared to me to be the only member of the family (irrespective of servants) with whom it had any decided acquaintance.
“Mr. Drummle,” said Mrs. Pocket,“will you ring for Flopson?Jane, you undutiful little thing, go and lie down. Now,baby darling, come with ma!”