But when this subject was succeeded by his account of Mr.Wickham--when she read,with somewhat clearer attention,a relation of events which, if true,must overthrow every cherished opinion of his worth,and which bore so alarming an affinity to his own history of himself--her feelings were yet more acutely painful and more difficult of definition. Astonishment, apprehension, and even horror, oppressed her. She wished to discredit it entirely, repeatedly exclaiming, “This must be false!This cannot be!This must be the grossest falsehood!”--and when she had gone through the whole letter,though scarcely knowing anything of the last page or two,put it hastily away,protesting that she would not regard it,that she would never look in it again.
In this perturbed state of mind,with thoughts that could rest on nothing,she walked on; but it would not do:in half a minute the letter was unfolded again;and collecting herself as well as she could,she again began the mortifying perusal of all that related to Wickham,and commanded herself so far as to examine the meaning of every sentence.The account of his connection with the Pemberley family was exactly what he had related himself; and the kindness of the late Mr. Darcy, though she had not before known its extent, agreed equally well with his own words. So far each recital confirmed the other; but when she came to the will, the difference was great. What Wickham had said of the living was fresh in her memory; and as she recalled his very words, it was impossible not to feel that there was gross duplicity on one side or the other, and, for a few moments, she flattered herself that her wishes did not err. But when she read and re-read, with the closest attention, the particulars immediately following of Wickham’s resigning all pretensions to the living, of his receiving in lieu so considerable a sum as three thousand pounds, again was she forced to hesitate. She put down the letter, weighed every circumstance with what she meant to be impartiality--deliberated on the probability of each statement--but with little success. On both sides it was only assertion. Again she read on. But every line proved more clearly that the affair, which she had believed it impossible that any contrivance could so represent as to render Mr. Darcy’s conduct in it less than infamous, was capable of a turn which must make him entirely blameless throughout the whole.
The extravagance and general profligacy which he scrupled not to lay to Mr.Wickham’s charge exceedingly shocked her; the more so,as she could bring no proof of its injustice.She had never heard of him before his entrance into the ----shire militia,in which he had engaged at the persuasion of the young man,who, on meeting him accidentally in town,had there renewed a slight acquaintance.Of his former way of life,nothing had been known in Hertfordshire but what he told
[Illustration:
“Meeting accidentally in Town”
[_Copyright 1894 by George Allen._]]
himself. As to his real character,had information been in her power,she had never felt a wish of inquiring.His countenance, voice, and manner,had established him at once in the possession of every virtue.She tried to recollect some instance of goodness,some distinguished trait of integrity or benevolence,that might rescue him from the attacks of Mr. Darcy;or at least, by the predominance of virtue,atone for those casual errors,under which she would endeavour to class what Mr.Darcy had described as the idleness and vice of many years’ continuance.But no such recollection befriended her.She could see him instantly before her,in every charm of air and address,but she could remember no more substantial good than the general approbation of the neighbourhood, and the regard which his social powers had gained him in the mess. After pausing on this point a considerable while, she once more continued to read. But, alas!the story which followed, of his designs on Miss Darcy,received some confirmation from what had passed between Colonel Fitzwilliam and herself only the morning before; and at last she was referred for the truth of every particular to Colonel Fitzwilliam himself--from whom she had previously received the information of his near concern in all his cousin’s affairs and whose character she had no reason to question. At one time she had almost resolved on applying to him, but the idea was checked by the awkwardness of the application, and at length wholly banished by the conviction that Mr. Darcy would never have hazarded such a proposal, if he had not been well assured of his cousin’s corroboration.
She perfectly remembered everything that had passed in conversation between Wickham and herself in their first evening at Mr. Philips’s. Many of his expressions were still fresh in her memory. She was _now_ struck with the impropriety of such communications to a stranger, and wondered it had escaped her before. She saw the indelicacy of putting himself forward as he had done, and the inconsistency of his professions with his conduct. She remembered that he had boasted of having no fear of seeing Mr. Darcy--that Mr. Darcy might leave the country, but that _he_ should stand his ground; yet he had avoided the Netherfield ball the very next week. She remembered, also, that till the Netherfield family had quitted the country, he had told his story to no one but herself; but that after their removal, it had been everywhere discussed; that he had then no reserves, no scruples in sinking Mr. Darcy’s character, though he had assured her that respect for the father would always prevent his exposing the son.
How differently did everything now appear in which he was concerned!His attentions to Miss King were now the consequence of views solely and hatefully mercenary; and the mediocrity of her fortune proved no longer the moderation of his wishes, but his eagerness to grasp at anything. His behaviour to herself could now have had no tolerable motive: he had either been deceived with regard to her fortune, or had been gratifying his vanity by encouraging the preference which she believed she had most incautiously shown. Every lingering struggle in his favour grew fainter and fainter; and in further justification of Mr. Darcy, she could not but allow that Mr. Bingley, when questioned by Jane, had long ago asserted his blamelessness in the affair;--that, proud and repulsive as were his manners, she had never, in the whole course of their acquaintance--an acquaintance which had latterly brought them much together, and given her a sort of intimacy with his ways--seen anything that betrayed him to be unprincipled or unjust--anything that spoke him of irreligious or immoral habits;--that among his own connections he was esteemed and valued;--that even Wickham had allowed him merit as a brother, and that she had often heard him speak so affectionately of his sister as to prove him capable of some amiable feeling;--that had his actions been what Wickham represented them, so gross a violation of everything right could hardly have been concealed from the world; and that friendship between a person capable of it and such an amiable man as Mr. Bingley was incomprehensible.
She grew absolutely ashamed of herself.Of neither Darcy nor Wickham could she think,without feeling that she had been blind, partial, prejudiced, absurd.