I feel as if it were not for me to record,even though this manuscript is intended for no eyes but mine,how hard I worked at that tremendous short-hand,and all improvement appertaining to it,in my sense of responsibility to Dora and her aunts.I will only add, to what I have already written of my perseverance at this time of my life, and of a patient and continuous energy which then began to be matured within me, and which I know to be the strong part of my character, if it have any strength at all, that there, on looking back, I find the source of my success. I have been very fortunate in worldly matters; many men have worked much harder, and not succeeded half so well; but I never could have done what I have done, without the habits of punctuality, order, and diligence, without the determination to concentrate myself on one object at a time, no matter how quickly its successor should come upon its heels, which I then formed. Heaven knows I write this, in no spirit of self-laudation. The man who reviews his own life, as I do mine, in going on here, from page to page, had need to have been a good man indeed, if he would be spared the sharp consciousness of many talents neglected, many opportunities wasted, many erratic and perverted feelings constantly at war within his breast, and defeating him. I do not hold one natural gift, I dare say, that I have not abused. My meaning simply is, that whatever I have tried to do in life, I have tried with all my heart to do well; that whatever I have devoted myself to, I have devoted myself to completely; that in great aims and in small, I have always been thoroughly in earnest. I have never believed it possible that any natural or improved ability can claim immunity from the companionship of the steady, plain, hard-working qualities, and hope to gain its end. There is no such thing as such fulfilment on this earth. Some happy talent, and some fortunate opportunity, may form the two sides of the ladder on which some men mount, but the rounds of that ladder must be made of stuff to stand wear and tear; and there is no substitute for thorough-going, ardent, and sincere earnestness. Never to put one hand to anything, on which I could throw my whole self; and never to affect depreciation of my work, whatever it was; I find, now, to have been my golden rules.
How much of the practice I have just reduced to precept,I owe to Agnes, I will not repeat here.My narrative proceeds to Agnes, with a thankful love.
She came on a visit of a fortnight to the Doctor’s. Mr.Wickfield was the Doctor’s old friend,and the Doctor wished to talk with him,and do him good. It had been matter of conversation with Agnes when she was last in town, and this visit was the result. She and her father came together. I was not much surprised to hear from her that she had engaged to find a lodging in the neighbourhood for Mrs. Heep, whose rheumatic complaint required change of air, and who would be charmed to have it in such company. Neither was I surprised when, on the very next day, Uriah, like a dutiful son, brought his worthy mother to take possession.
‘You see, Master Copperfield,’ said he,as he forced himself upon my company for a turn in the Doctor’s garden,‘where a person loves,a person is a little jealous--leastways,anxious to keep an eye on the beloved one.’
‘Of whom are you jealous, now?’ said I.
‘Thanks to you, Master Copperfield,’ he returned,‘of no one in particular just at present--no male person, at least.’
‘Do you mean that you are jealous of a female person?’
He gave me a sidelong glance out of his sinister red eyes, and laughed.
‘Really, Master Copperfield,’ he said,‘--I should say Mister,but I know you’ll excuse the abit I’ve got into--you’re so insinuating,that you draw me like a corkscrew!Well, I don’t mind telling you,’ putting his fish-like hand on mine,‘I’m not a lady’s man in general, sir, and I never was, with Mrs. Strong.’
His eyes looked green now,as they watched mine with a rascally cunning.
‘What do you mean?’ said I.
‘Why, though I am a lawyer, Master Copperfield,’ he replied, with a dry grin, ‘I mean, just at present, what I say.’
‘And what do you mean by your look?’ I retorted, quietly.
‘By my look?Dear me, Copperfield, that’s sharp practice!What do I mean by my look?’
‘Yes,’ said I. ‘By your look.’
He seemed very much amused,and laughed as heartily as it was in his nature to laugh.After some scraping of his chin with his hand,he went on to say, with his eyes cast downward--still scraping, very slowly:
‘When I was but an umble clerk,she always looked down upon me.She was for ever having my Agnes backwards and forwards at her ouse,and she was for ever being a friend to you,Master Copperfield; but I was too far beneath her,myself, to be noticed.’
‘Well?’ said I; ‘suppose you were!’
‘--And beneath him too,’ pursued Uriah, very distinctly,and in a meditative tone of voice,as he continued to scrape his chin.
‘Don’t you know the Doctor better,’ said I,‘than to suppose him conscious of your existence,when you were not before him?’
He directed his eyes at me in that sidelong glance again,and he made his face very lantern-jawed,for the greater convenience of scraping, as he answered:
‘Oh dear, I am not referring to the Doctor!Oh no, poor man!I mean Mr. Maldon!’
My heart quite died within me.All my old doubts and apprehensions on that subject,all the Doctor’s happiness and peace,all the mingled possibilities of innocence and compromise,that I could not unravel, I saw, in a moment,at the mercy of this fellow’s twisting.
‘He never could come into the office,without ordering and shoving me about,’ said Uriah.‘One of your fine gentlemen he was!I was very meek and umble--and I am.But I didn’t like that sort of thing--and I don’t!’
He left off scraping his chin,and sucked in his cheeks until they seemed to meet inside;keeping his sidelong glance upon me all the while.
‘She is one of your lovely women, she is,’ he pursued,when he had slowly restored his face to its natural form;‘and ready to be no friend to such as me, I know.She’s just the person as would put my Agnes up to higher sort of game.Now, I ain’t one of your lady’s men,Master Copperfield; but I’ve had eyes in my ed,a pretty long time back. We umble ones have got eyes,mostly speaking--and we look out of ‘em.’
I endeavoured to appear unconscious and not disquieted,but, I saw in his face, with poor success.
‘Now, I’m not a-going to let myself be run down,Copperfield,’ he continued,raising that part of his countenance,where his red eyebrows would have been if he had had any,with malignant triumph,‘and I shall do what I can to put a stop to this friendship.I don’t approve of it.I don’t mind acknowledging to you that I’ve got rather a grudging disposition,and want to keep off all intruders. I ain’t a-going,if I know it, to run the risk of being plotted against. ’
‘You are always plotting,and delude yourself into the belief that everybody else is doing the like, I think,’ said I.
‘Perhaps so, Master Copperfield,’ he replied.‘But I’ve got a motive,as my fellow-partner used to say;and I go at it tooth and nail. I mustn’t be put upon,as a numble person, too much.I can’t allow people in my way.Really they must come out of the cart, Master Copperfield!’
‘I don’t understand you,’ said I.
‘Don’t you, though?’ he returned, with one of his jerks.‘I’m astonished at that, Master Copperfield,you being usually so quick!I’ll try to be plainer, another time.---Is that Mr.Maldon a-norseback, ringing at the gate, sir?’
‘It looks like him,’ I replied,as carelessly as I could.